The Broken Promise of Change

Life is a constant struggle at times because individuals try to reconcile their actual reality for the promise of what is to come.
Relationships inevitably stumble and leave scars all over that can be difficult to deal with it. The signs of these misfortunes can appear in the form of weight loss, weight gain or other physical changes. The other signals happen beneath the surface and are more often than not difficult to decipher.
Resentment, bitterness and pain can look just the same as happiness and euphoria to the untrained eye, but its presence is problematic nonetheless. At times, individuals make excuses for their partners and tolerate their behaviors.
In other instances, the comportment of one will lead to a heated exchange that will shake the foundation of the relationship to its core. Perhaps the issue is what was said or simply the delivery of the message was far too earth-shattering for those involved.
This can manifest itself once in a blue moon, or on every other weekend. Regardless of the frequency, there is often an underlying thought that things will eventually change and get better. Those are the rational thoughts that people cling to in the face of raw emotions with a loved one.
Whether the offending party promises change or not, for whatever reason it becomes expected of them. It’s a fascinating aspect of human behavior. In the quest to eradicate doubt, one will occasionally alter their perception of reality with the hope that things improve.
For instance, an individual sent this question to Meredith Goldstein, a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment:
“Even though my gut feeling tells me to dump her, something within me thinks she has changed. She has confessed to a crazy past (being boy crazy, always getting drunk). Do people change?”
Goldstein responded:
“People change and grow up over time, but they can't be transformed into someone entirely new. This woman flirts, flights, and lies. If she's been that way from the start, that's just who she is, at least for right now, and right now is what counts.”
This partly explains how certain people remain in bad relationships for prolonged periods of time. This happens to both sexes, but for the most part, the expectation is that it will occur to women.
Noted author Valerie Frankel shared in her book The Girlfriend Curse:
Women get into a relationship hoping a man will change, and he never does; men get into a relationship hoping the woman don't change, but she always does. Men want their partners to be consistent. That they won't make impromptu impossible demands nor baffle him with classically female sudden-onset hysterical behavior.
In a way, this speaks to the “truths” that we choose to believe as individuals. A faction of society prefers to believe that their partner will change and cope better with the needs of the relationship regardless of how unlikely it is. To be fair, some people do change and evolve over the course of their partnership.
Those signs are usually visible over a stretched-out period of time whereas an individual unwilling to conform has displayed their resolve on this front on countless occasions.
This has prompted me to come up with this saying: “this isn’t just your relationship today, this is your relationship for the rest of your life.” It might sound a bit dramatic and over the top, but it certainly holds some truth to it.
A person that has refused to change in their relationship after a couple of years will probably not change for the better later on. The case of Jody (portrayed by Tyrese Gibson) in Baby Boy is far-reaching isolated one. And heck, that required an attempted sexual assault and a murder for him to stop taking his talents to every bedroom in South Central Los Angeles (I know it’s a movie but still).
Life is what you make it and the same can be said about one’s relationship. Do not leave it to chance, because then you’re playing the lottery with your heart. And well, how many people win the lotto?

Putting Out on the First Date...

The topic of having sex on the first date is an incredibly popular one given the perceived ramifications involved for women.
There is a common misconception amongst the fairer sex that “giving it up” on the first night out turns the man away.  It is said that the thrill of the chase is what keeps men coming back and wanting more.
Although that applies in some situations, it’s far from a universal truth. Although some males may in fact think less of women for engaging in coital activity off the bat, studies show these men are in the minority.
The famed magazine Cosmopolitan polled almost 1,000 18-to-35-year-olds on the topic in its August 2013 issue and the results spoke for themselves:
Guys, do you think less of a woman who has sex on first date?
Yes 32.8 %
No 67.2%
Basically, a third of men share negative feelings about women that have sex on the first date. The rest of them are perfectly fine with it and do not have any objections whatsoever.
And yet, women are under the impression that the opposite is true. Cosmopolitan also polled females and here are the results:
Ladies, do you think most men think less of a woman who has sex on first date?
Yes 82.6%
No 17.4%
There is clearly a disconnect here. One can only assume that women strongly share this belief because of the fallout from their experiences. Several of them end up never hearing from the gentlemen ever again after the act or they stay in contact but offer numerous excuses pertaining to their inability to meet again for another date or what have you.
Some women believe that the fleeing party has opted to do so because he obtained what he desired without truly having to work for it and thus loses interests. There is some legitimacy to that line of thinking given that some men sleep around for sport.
However, there are a multitude of factors that potentially affect a man’s disappearance.  For instance, there may have been a lack of spark from his standpoint or simply a lack of attraction. Indeed, believe it or not, some guys will still put out even if they are not attracted to a woman.
The first date might still result in coitus, but he will run out after the fact because well, he’s just not that into you.
And then there are a host of other potential red flags that could result in a one-and-done scenario:
  • ·      Might have a girlfriend (burn!)
  • ·      He might think you’re crazy
  • ·      Juggling numerous conquests
  • ·      Realization you have common acquaintances (do not discount this one)
  • ·      Horrible sex
  • ·      Awful timing (breakup, emotionally fragile, etc…)
Those are just a few reasons but there are many more. This is not meant to discourage women from having sexual encounters on the first date, but rather an attempt at explaining the reasons for some of the pitfalls they encounter.
Many engage in the act and truthfully, there is nothing wrong with it. With that said, one’s personal convictions are extremely important. Hence, this is not meant in any way, shape or form to encourage those that frown on this occurrence to change their stance.
Self-worth is judged and interpreted by our own individual core values. Thus, it’s up to you to determine whether or not sex on the first night is something that interests you. Just know that for most part, men won’t think any less of you for agreeing to do it.

Questions or comments? Feel free to drop me a line at

Jason Collins' Announcement Should Give Us Perspective...

In what may be construed as a historical landmark, an NBA player has announced he is gay. In an interview with Sports Illustrated, Jason Collins shared his sexual preference with the world and became the first active North American professional athlete to do so.
Collins showed the courage to do what no active homosexual athlete has done before him.
Some might disagree with his announcement and feel as though perhaps he should have kept his lifestyle private. That’s one way to go about it, but then again few truly ever complain when heterosexual individuals put themselves out there by embracing a misogynistic culture and teaching it to our youth (exhibit A: watch just about any rap video).
For several straight men and women, homosexuality is a touchy subject. It makes certain people uncomfortable. However, this topic is important to me as a black man and more importantly as a father.
Prior to the contest between the Chicago Bulls and Brooklyn Nets on April 29, Kenny Smith stated beore a national audience what I had been advocating to many. He shared a story in which the great Bill Russell told him that as an African-American, the one thing our people have always wanted is inclusion.
If we take that a step further, black people have been hoping and expecting to be tolerated, respected and included into society just like any other individual regardless of color or creed.
I can recall when I was a mere four-year old playing in my backyard and some kids from the neighborhood who felt I didn’t belong started calling me a nigger and telling me to vacate the area.
While some might automatically think I’m referring to an event that occurred in the 1960s, this occurred around 1985.
Some individuals once upon a time even used Bible scriptures to outline the rationale behind racial inequality. Heck, God surely would have approved of slavery right?
My larger point is simple: whether I agree or not with the lifestyle of homosexuals is completely irrelevant. What does matter though is for me to treat them like equals.
I know firsthand what it feels like to be an outsider and believe it or not, the same can be said of gay people.
Expecting everyone to accept this message and value it for what it is would be incredibly shortsighted of me. Some will offer different opinions based on their beliefs and what have you and that’s perfectly fine.
But the first step to making our society and on a bigger scale our world more tolerant of others is recognizing differences do exist.
Jason Collins put the first domino in motion today and we might just be better off for it in the long run.

"I Hate Being Single..."

For some women, being single is cause for sadness and misery. Because several enjoy the perks that come along with being in a relationship, the absence of it can cause depression in some cases.

And that’s when the infamous phrase gets dropped: “I hate being single”.

I’ve received several inquiries in the past few months from women that wondered whether something was wrong with them. In most cases, they had been in long lasting relationships prior and were now finding the coping process of being alone quite vexing.

Whether it’s the lack of warmth in the bedroom, the inability to garner cuddles or simply the disdain for entertaining emotionless sexual relations, the single life just isn’t for everybody.

Mind you, things got dicey when I dug deeper beneath the surface in search of comprehending the realities that some of these women were dealing with. Boy was I in for a shock.

One of them was involved in a semi-relationship with a man she saw once a week. In her eyes, because he was a weekly subscription of sorts, that gave her the latitude to sleep with other men despite the fact that her “main guy” was under the impression they were in a monogamous union. Seems like someone should portray her if ever there’s a sequel to Think Like a Man.

According to her, this gentleman was providing her with everything she desired except his daily presence because he lived out of town. That gave her a license to not only get some, but complain about being single.


The next one that solicited my advice had a man within her sights. It seemed as though he was quite the catch based on her description of him. He was respectful, docile and displayed a fair amount of intelligence. They had never been on a date or what not, but the potential was certainly there.

There was however one small problem: she was intimidated by him.

She had never dealt with a man like him before and that scared her. Her admission only came at the end of a lengthy conversation and it was clear that the whole thing was nerve-racking for her. When faced with opportunities for dates with the dude, she made up excuses out of fear. She was afraid that his standards might exceed what she brought to the table.

Eventually, the man moved on. After making multiple efforts with the hope of enjoying her company, he more than likely felt as though she wasn’t interested in him.

It’s an interesting dynamic in this respect: the lady was hoping to obtain some type of comfort and reassurance from a man with no clue that she needed it. In the same breath, this hombre needed for his level of interest to feel reciprocated but it wasn’t.

Two people looking for exactly the same thing from one another but incapable of realizing it.

In a very odd way, sometimes that’s what being single is about as evidenced by both previous illustrations.

It can in fact be a less than ideal scenario whereby an individual has no one to love or share their life with. But there’s also the other side of the coin. Sometimes women have that one guy they know could be their potential mate; however they do not allow things to organically develop in such a manner.

Whether it’s the fear of rejection or the inability to completely trust that specific individual, they deal with a multitude of roadblocks when faced with a chance at love.

Ah but jumping into something with someone is difficult. Hollering “I hate being single” is far easier.

Focusing on all these issues helps keeping one from being tied down, and rationalizing their merits can be dangerous given that it legitimizes inactivity.

Perhaps the operative term many should be using is “I hate my choices…”

Questions or comments? Feel free to leave them in the comments section or you can contact me by email at

Men Feel The Other Side Too

For women that have spent an inordinate amount time going on dates with so called losers, cheapskates, cheaters, liars and scumbags; meeting a respectable fellow can in fact become a huge and yet incredibly pleasant surprise.
A man that opens doors, says please, asks for the woman’s input and makes nice gestures that leave one with the impression that his mother occupied a huge place in his life can make a woman happy and yet weak at the same time after a few dates.
Forget potential, this man might just be what she is looking for.
He doesn’t have an issue with picking up the check and can actually hold a decent conversation that doesn’t revolve around sex. In some circles, women refer to this dude as the jackpot.
This man creates problems though.
Because he is in the eyes of the woman that’s dating him so charming, charismatic, smooth and nice, he occasionally creates a bit of insecurity for the woman involved.
True story.
She starts subtly trying to see who he’s sending out text messages to, checks out who he messages on Twitter, who comments on his photos or updates on Facebook and what type of bond he has with these people and the like. Eventually a little hint of jealousy takes over as she starts to question his actions and whereabouts regardless of the fact that they aren’t actually involved in an exclusive relationship.
This, ladies and gentlemen, often earns the label of crazy from the male species. Indeed, men usually drop the ever popular man bitches be trippin’ in these types of circumstances.
But in reality, the truth is a little more complicated than that.
Men know it, but aren’t always willing to acknowledge it.
See, men too go through these circumstances on occasion; and it perplexes them just as much as it does women.
Because the male gender spends a lot of time courting the same type of women they’ve been accustomed to for most of their lives, should it find a mate that’s much more exceptional than the others, well we want to keep her to ourselves.
A dude might begin to ponder about her beauty, smarts, sense of humor and common interests as well as her hobbies or knowledge that he might learn from her, which in turn make her amazing.
All of a sudden, men betray their typical behaviors and try to lock the woman down because she just seems to be good to be true. As this goes on though, the crazy characteristics occasionally emerge from dudes as well.
They want to know who is calling, who is sending out text messages, why she’s taking so long to reply and why she can’t make anymore free time for you despite spending a vast majority of it with you already.
The insecurity pops up because we feel threatened…
Just like women do.
But of course, no man would willingly admit to this, because it’s perceived to be a sign of weakness. But in fact, those that go on dates and finally find someone worth their attention can indeed feel weak. This incredible person will surely register on someone else’s radar, hence ensuring that we are their only viable candidate is the surest way to go, or so we might think.
Jealousy and insecurity be damned, it’s about protecting our assets and interests.
Men and women share this trait, but it seems that many are unaware of it. Both sexes can in fact get lonely, and should they find someone that could potentially change that feeling, they may in fact unknowingly sabotage their chances with them by essentially trying too hard to be with that someone.
These are just some of the intricacies of dating that one must be aware of when involved in the chase. Perception isn’t always reality; sometimes we just don’t realize how much we mean to people…
And perhaps that’s the bigger problem.

Exiting the Dating Game...

Dating is a cutthroat sport.
Peoples feelings often get hurt and at times lines get crossed as individuals put their needs before those of others and it leads to complicated situations like a dude dating two women that are friends or a woman dating a group of guys that play on the same basketball team. To some, this might sound completely ludicrous, whereas to others it may just be par for the course.
But at some point in time, every individual reaches somewhat of a breaking point: the dating game leaves them completely broken.
This isn’t to say that their emotions are damaged beyond repair, but rather that the exercise of repeatedly meeting new people and seeing how the situation unfolds can lead a person towards thinking that there just isn’t any hope left for a decent mate.
True story.
Some people are flat out crazy, others are seemingly ignorant, another portion might want you to marry them midway through the first date, some might present the aptitude for domestic violence while others might be dangerously jealous and so the list goes on.
But then, there’s the rational segment of society that we encounter in the game of dating that have different agendas and/or different needs depending on the moment we meet them.
Indeed, you might encounter a person on the first of the month and enjoy their company and progressively get to know them only to realize two weeks later that what they stated they initially wanted is no longer the case. What was supposed to be a “trial period” to get to know one another might easily become a situation where the person tells you they are looking for something that is going to last forever and the last two weeks are hardly indicative of anything resembling that.
That’s just the nature of dating.
One person might be developing a heightened sense of interest while the other one could be losing whatever little investment they initially had.
And for some, the constant repetition of this can create a plethora of reactions that lead us to an entirely different path.
For instance, the woman you’ve been courting for the past few days/weeks, you might start to sense the exact moment her interest level drops or rationalize its development despite the fact she never actually lost interest.
Or another example of the effects of the dating game occurred two weeks ago on How I Met Your Mother, when certified super player Barney Stinson essentially gave up on chasing his type of women and instead started from scratch with a full figured woman with the actual intent of getting to know her and understanding what it takes to actually be with someone.
Doesn’t matter who you are, at some point the Game itself will make you question yourself as well as those around you.
Can you continue to head down the path you’ve repeatedly chosen and failed with, or is it time to try something new?
Sometimes, something new might just be looking someone into their eyes and seeing their soul for the very first time as opposed to seeing their body.
Nonetheless, exiting the dating game can do wonders for a person; as they learn things about people they never anticipated finding out.
As a society, especially in the western civilization, we’ve grown accustomed to having and wanting more. But sometimes putting everything else on pause and focusing on the one good thing or one good person can open up an entirely different world right before our eyes.
If that happens to you, maybe you just found the right person to keep you out of the game for good.
Or maybe you just found the one that will keep you in it forever…
Questions or comments? Feel free to leave them in the comments section or you can contact me by email at

Updating My Relationship Status.....Kinda

The internet combined with social media has changed the way we as a society operate as a whole. No longer is it enough to be engaged into a relationship with someone, it has to now be announced to the world.
Those that know me are aware that despite the public forum where I discuss a variety of topics, I’m actually a fairly private person. Nonetheless, I was curious about using the medium for the sake of seeing what the reactions would be if I made an announcement with respect to my relationship status.
Before even engaging into this little exercise, I hypothesized that there might be a little fallout. Indeed, for whatever reason, people tend to think at times that they are owed something, regardless of the nature of your interactions with them.
In this instance, after updating my status, a person that I hadn’t seen in over three years messaged me to give me her two cents (text message published with her permission), and it wasn’t pretty.
In a roundabout way, social media coupled with texting has made people more accessible, and consequently, our “bonds” with others that much more seemingly intimate.
 It’s far more easier to think that you have a place in someone’s life when you get to follow their life story through their Twitter or Facebook updates as well as the photos they put up that details their every move. Thus, every change in one’s life that directly or indirectly affects a person of interest or person that’s looking at you from afar immediately results in a feeling of betrayal.
Because those that follow your every move over the internet feel as though they are part of your every day life even if they aren’t. It’s wildly amusing on some level to think about really.
A person can just go about living their life and broadcasting it in such a manner for all to see, but the moment that he or she does something that fails to take into account the interest of some of the followers, it’s as if they committed adultery.
The rise of the internet age has increased the proximity between people for better or worse.
The ability to connect with people from all across the globe is wonderful, but it does come with a price. Plastering your life all over your social media pages is obviously your choice, but it does come with consequnce; we are now in an odd way the prey of all of those that want to latch on to whatever it is that they can, and that means that in some small way, we entertain relationships with everyone.
That’s a scary thought.
Welcome to the world of today.

The Easy Girl

The title might sound a little offensive to some and if such is the case, well you might just have to get over it. It’s not that I don’t care, but rather that it hammers the point quite well.
A few days ago, I was entertaining a conversation with a couple of friends and we touched on multiple topics such as road trips, infidelity amongst men, raising children and being a single parent to name a few. Eventually, we landed on the subject of the Easy Girl.
With enough life experience and age, you eventually learn to stay away from that particular person or how to manage the dynamic when dealing with her.
The group of men that were privy to this conversation collectively agreed that in their younger days, such a woman was a person of interest because of all the needs she could potentially fulfill despite the lack of work involved to gain her attention, trust and affection.
The male species has figured out that in order to obtain the privilege of being with a woman – whether that’s a date, relationship or sexual encounter – some efforts may need to be exhausted. Women have multiple options as far as men are concerned – there’s a reason they let women into clubs far easier than they do men – whereas men don’t always have the possibility of parking their car in the garage that pleases them.
However, if the Easy Girl comes along, well then she becomes quite the Christmas gift for a young man.
Typically, this woman offers up little resistance and allows men to penetrate her emotional barriers without putting up too much of a fight. Most women know to keep their shields up until the person chasing them has earned the right to see past it; but our easy one opens herself up rapidly and puts her trust into the hands of this new guy that she barely knows.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of horrors stories that ensue from these situations, but for the most part, things are rather tame. She acquiesces to requests of unprotected sex, multiple people in attendance during coitus and a multitude of other ones.
The “problem” with the Easy Girl, as most men eventually find out, is that she is, well, easy.
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Men typically have large egos when it comes to women, and tend to think that their seduction game is the best in the business. Consequently, it’s inconceivable for them to think that she could potentially find happiness elsewhere. And in fact, it’s the complete opposite.
The lady in question usually opens up rather quickly, thus if the primary male that’s holding her attention starts to neglect her or simply keep her at bay, it might take a little time, but she will quickly find someone else to give her some attention. And once she does, she will be quick to complete any request he might have.
At times, the biggest shock for people is the realization that other people are exactly what we think they are.
A scientist is an individual that relies heavily on facts, data and empirical evidence if you will; and for whatever reason, some might be surprised to learn that some scientists are completely opposed to the idea of religion or fate. This is quite obvious, a person that requires proof in their every day life might object to the notion of God given that it’s impossible to prove his existence.
Drawing from that previous example, why do men then magically think that the Easy Girl will stop being easy? It’s the exact same principle.
You’ve all been warned…  
Questions or comments? Feel free to leave them in the comments section or you can contact me by email at