Scattered Thoughts

Today is a big day here at the Silverback Gorillas blog. Some of my readers have been turned off from the site because it has focused almost exclusively on sports since September 2009. Indeed, it started out with the NFL and then in February I switched over to the NBA. I usually use the summer to discuss the many social issues that we all struggle with (dating, booty calls, parenting, etc…) on a regular basis. Some were disappointed that I didn’t do much of that during the football and basketball seasons. Well, I send out my apology to those of you that felt neglected and say this: with the NBA having just concluded the 2009-10 season, sports talk is officially on the back burner (I might cover a few sports topics during the summer but not too much). It’s time that we got back to the stuff you like to read about. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Scattered Thoughts on dating…..

The One Night Stand Guide
I’m saddened by the fact that it never occurred to me before to actually write this, but then again I’m happy that the idea came to mind. One might think that one night stands are easy to pull off, but there is a science to it. Just so we’re clear, a quick definition of the term by one of my favorite writers, Jennifer from The Girl Can’t Help It: “One night. Two people do it. Then they never do it again. They may or may not still speak. But usually do not.”

By the way, the guide isn’t here to tell you how to get to the one night stand part; but rather to tell you how to conduct yourself once things have gotten hot. Good? Let’s get it.

I. The Jadakiss Rule aka Kiss The Game Goodbye
Unless both involved parties kissed at any point in time prior to intercourse, you cannot just assume that it’s permissible to kiss the person during sex. Hell, I would stay away from the person’s lips altogether. Let’s let Joe Budden explain (You Don’t Know My Name Freestyle):
“I don’t care if we got anything in common,
If you don’t feel that way then leave the house then,
I can’t kiss you ma,
I don’t know where your mouth been…”

II. A New Era Cap
This one is self-explanatory; even if she’s willing to do it raw, you must wear a fitted cap (condom).

III. NCAA Tournament
What makes the basketball NCAA tournament so memorable is that you can lose against anybody at any time in what is arguably the best basketball tournament in the world. What this means is that you have to always bring your best to the table or else you get sent packing earlier than expected.

Well one night stands are the same; if you do not perform like an all-tournament player, you might get shipped out. You might think I’m exaggerating but it’s true. If one of the people involved does not feel like you will eventually get them to Championship Game (climax), they might just cut it short (come up with some lame excuse about how they have things to do), and then dial up some booty call to finish up your job. Therefore, you have an obligation to bring your best to a one nighter.

By the way, you don’t want to have a bad performance go on your resume in these circumstances. It might seem like it’s just a blip on the radar but it rarely is for two reasons:
1. If you can’t get psyched up like Kevin Garnett for a one night stand, you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex.
2. A bad performance can come back to haunt you. Imagine that you end up meeting a new person two weeks later after a bad sexual encounter and it so happens that this said person is friends with the person with whom you shared that uneventful night; you don’t think that information gets relayed? Exactly.

IV. No Kellz Angels
Unless it was discussed prior to you guys actually having sex, keep the extra freaky stuff for someone else. You can’t just decide to pee on the person or blatantly tell them to toss your salad. Not a good look.

V. I Came, I Saw, I Conquered, I Bounced
A one night stand is like a business transaction: both parties required some services and once completed they shake hands and go on their merry way. For instance, the Philadelphia Eagles traded Donovan McNabb within the same division, to the Washington Redskins. Do you think that the Eagles asked the Skins upon completion of the deal how they were feeling? Hell to the no. It’s s done deal and now you move on to bigger and better things. No overstaying your welcome, you get out of there. That means, no hugging, cuddling, talking after sex about goals and life ambitions, or anything of the sort.

VI. The Barney Stinson Close Out
If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not, let me break it down for you. Barney Stinson (portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris) is the king of one night stands and has mastered the art of a flawless exit.  Hence, this section is titled after him.

In order to accomplish a good exit, it has to be cold and somewhat mysterious. Therefore, you always go to the person’s place because if they come to your place, you can’t expect that they will have read the Guide like you did. So once you have accomplished the deed, you can just put your clothes on and bounce. You do not ask for numbers, name or anything of the sort. Hell, if the other person goes to take a shower, you can bounce while they’re in the bathroom. The less contact you have with the person once you’re done, the better. Here’s is the list of permissible actions or phrases you may give when it’s time to leave:
-Show him/her the peace sign.
-“Aight, I’m out.”
-“This was fun.”
-“Good lookin’ out.”
-“Deuces.”
-“One.”
-“Thanks for a good time.”
-“I need to check the other side of your door.”
-“I don’t’ want to have to perform heart surgery on you in the next few weeks…”
-“Thanks for the Richard….”
-“Remember how Eddie Murphy used to imitate Italians in his stand ups, what did he used to say?” Answer: Oh the answer is Get the fuck outta hereeeeee. Reply: “Thought you’d never ask.”

Hooking Up With Men That Lie
Ladies constantly complain about men’s inability to keep it real. Far too often, we hear women say that men are just a bunch of liars looking for one thing: sex. I won’t disagree with that notion, but if such is the case, why do women keep getting fooled?

If you know the guy is all about getting laid and what not, why do you keep talking to the guy? All he’s going to do is eventually reel you in (yes, no matter how strong minded you are, if you allow him to constantly be around you, he will charm your pants off) and get what he wants. Once he gets it, he might call or text you for the next two weeks or so, but afterwards it’s a wrap. The lies start to pile up and by the time you’ve figured it out, he’s already in bed with one of your friends (whether you find out or not). So ladies, if you know the dude is “bad”, get rid of him from the get go, don’t allow him to be around you if he’s not the type of hook up you’re looking for. If you know what you’re doing, then go ahead and get your groove on, but just know that you’re playing a dangerous game.

Seeking Attention
We all want it, need it and crave it. Depending on what you do in your life, you find different ways to fill that need. For instance, my brother Qwest (check him out) is a charming dude; consequently he often gets ladies trying get his attention at all costs. Some things he might notice and others he might not. Women find interesting but not always effective ways to try and get your attention. Check out a quick list:
-She might text you early and often.
-She might call you every day, even if you don’t pick up.
-Casually mention how she has nothing to do this weekend.
-Tries to hold a conversation with you about a topic she knows absolutely nothing about, just because she knows it’s a topic you like.
-Wears that sexy hot red dress she just bought two days after you mentioned that red is your favorite color.
-Changes her nail polish color when you mention that you’re not a fan of the color she’s wearing (in my case, I hate red nail polish).
-She mentions a dream she had about you.

For the most part, us men can appreciate and notice some of these things. But here’s a list of ridiculous things women can do to try and catch our attention but that typically backfires:
-She looks at you awkwardly.
-She keeps asking about your ex-girlfriend.
-She tries to gauge your interest by asking you if you have any friends you could hook her up with (yes ladies, we’re on to you on this one).
-She keeps mentioning the fact that you seem to always be busy (we’re too busy for you).
-She changes her hair color after you mentioned you had a thing for blondes.
-She shows you pictures of her friends to see if you ask about hooking up with them.
-She tries to steal you away from the girl you were dancing with at the club.

That’s just a fairly short list, but ladies please always make sure you come proper; otherwise you might jeopardize any shot you originally had with a dude you liked. If we think you’re crazy, we check out real fast.

The Ugly Test
 I tweeted about this a while back, but I never actually put it in print; so here goes. Have you ever wanted to know if you were ugly? Let’s be real, we all think that we’re decent or good looking. No one comes out there stating that claiming they are unattractive and that they have low standards. Mind you, more often then not, we might be wrong about ourselves. Consequently, I have devised The Ugly Test. It’s simple. Think back to the ugliest person you have ever hooked up with; if your friends didn’t call you out for hooking up with someone that unattractive, it’s because both of are in the same boat.

Play Your Position
Every so often, a dude might try to hook up with a woman that’s way below his standards because he is in a slump (translation: hasn’t had some action in a long time). But then, all of a sudden he might get a shocker because she rejects him harshly. When that happens, the dude usually says something along the lines of: “Who you kidding man? You ain’t even that hot!”

When this happens, the woman usually thinks that the dude is just plain crazy because he was in her ear talking about how hot she was and that he was interested, but then upon getting rejected the dude changed up his script. So the women wonder about the dude’s level of sanity. Who is truly at fault here?

Women obviously have the right to refuse a man’s advances based on their own preferences. But the problem started off way before that. You might not like what I have to say but it’s the truth: some extremely handsome guys (picture Johnny Depp) have inflated certain women’s self-esteem because they hooked up with them when they were in a slump. The result? These ladies raised their expectations. Indeed, if a handsome gentleman is in a slump and he drops all the lines (you know how us men tell you that you’re pretty, hot and best we’ve ever had? Don’t always trust us) and eventually hooks up with a woman that is beneath his standards; she automatically raises her expectations.

So if say Jamie Foxx were in a slump and decided to attempt to hook up with her after Depp already had, she might reject him. Jamie’s reaction: “You ain’t even that hot!” What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? People need to learn to play their position. Guys, quit lying to the subpar ladies and telling them that they’re better than the rest; you guys are the ones that’s messing up the game up for everybody else.

The Premature Ejaculator
To all the men out there that are posturing and acting like they hit it right every time out, quit lying to people. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes you psych yourself up and practically come out with a Hollywood Hogan type confidence because you know you’re going to put in work and end up on her Hall of Fame list even though it’s only your first sexual interaction with this person.

However, you get in and just like a young Mike Tyson boxing match, it’s over in less than three minutes. Like I said previously, those things happen sometimes. The one mistake that us dudes all make (for the record, I got this information from speaking with various women; just thought I’d put that out there) is say something along these lines: “Oh damn, I don’t know what happened! You have to believe me, this NEVER happens to me.”

Although we could be telling the truth, the ladies have heard this line far too often. Switch the game up guys, here’s how I would approach it: “Hey listen man, I screwed up. I got myself overexcited because you’re real hot (please make sure she’s hot). Give me about 20 minutes and I’ll do it right”. Own up to your screw up. But if it happens again the second time, you’re on your own.

Quick random note that’s not so random: if the dude ejaculated within five minutes, it’s because he wanted to. He felt that tingle and didn’t care if you got yours. We usually feel it coming a good two minutes ahead of time. Just thought some women might want to know….

Marilyn
This part I once published in the past but reworked a bit this time around.

We all have a story about who or what changed your perception of yourself and possibly life. More often then not, it involves either a woman or a man. In my case, it dates back to when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Back then, I thought I was a fairly handsome young dude that had a lot to offer (I know, I was only about 10 years old like I said, don't blame me) I had the biggest crush on this girl named Marilyn. I thought she was real cute, sweet, nice, caring and that we shared some interests.

Marilyn on the other hand had her eyes set on some older dude (by older, I mean he was about 13-14 years old). Hard as I tried to get her attention, I kept failing. Mind you, my attempts were never obvious; so it's quite possible she never really noticed. My attempts were like a Joe Budden album; you see it, hear it but it doesn't always register for you. Some things you are just not meant to comprehend or acknowledge because not everyone is on the same wavelength.

But then, I went to my friend's birthday party (she was his cousin and they lived together) and was hanging out with her, some of my friends and some of her friends. I went real quick to the restroom and then came back but no one noticed I had made my way back to that part of the house. They had started talking about me and the ridiculous crush I had on Marilyn. They said that my ugly ass had a lot of nerve for thinking that her fly ass might have anything to do with me. Needless to say I was shocked and hurt. I stayed for about another 30 minutes and then gave my mom a call to come pick me up. It was fairly early in the party, so my mother was somewhat surprised but she obliged. She never asked what happened and we never talked about it.

My perception of self drastically changed afterwards. Sometimes we need a rude awakening; for some it comes early, and for others it might come late in life. Although I was scarred for a long time by that sequence of events, it helped me with my humility. As my man Money says: "You need to know when to check yourself, cuz sometimes the issue is not everybody else, it's you". Hence, whenever a situation arises and I learn something about myself from it, I call it a Marilyn Moment. Do any of you have Marilyn Moments that you would like to share?

ShynePhone Rotation
J. Cole – Higher
Eminem ft Pink – Won’t Back Down
Drake – Karaoke
Royce Da 5’9 – Vagina
Nas & Damian Marley – Nah Mean
Cory Gunz – Plenty Money Freestyle
Drake ft The Dream – Shut It Down
The Game ft Lil’Wayne – Everything Red
50 Cent – You Should Be Dead
Eminem – 25 To Life
Drake – 9AM in Dallas Freestyle
Mariah Carey – Imperfect
Usher – Love’Em All
Trey Songz – Take You Home
Chris Brown – Perfume
Pleasure P. – Nocturnal
Trey Songz – For The Sake of Our Love
Usher – She Seen Me
Chris Brown - Glow In The Dark


1 Comments:

drewbreezzy said...

ur playlist could be better...

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