Scattered Thoughts

As many of you are, I’m a huge fan of Bill Simmons. In his book, The Book Of Basketball, Simmons has a chapter in which he writes about the Hall of Fame Pyramid. This said pyramid groups all the best players of all time, from the borderline great players (bottom of the Pyramid) to the undisputed greatest players of all time (top of Pyramid). 

A few backs, I watched Game 7 of the NBA Finals with my friends Money and Supreme. I made a comment at the time about how I should be in the bottom of the Pyramid of writers right now (perhaps an inflated view of self, but you need an ego to be great right?) and Supreme just laughed it off. After talking about it for a few minutes, it was painfully clear that in his mind; I had no business putting myself there and he probably had a point. His main argument was that I lacked the required longevity to associate myself with certain more prominent writers. I can’t dispute that but I will say this: the only way for me to get there is to keep entertaining you. Let’s get Slaughterhouse’s Crooked I in here to drop a line so you know what I mean (from the song Cut You Loose):
“This is bar raising,
I’m raising the bar so far,
Trying to look at it
Is the equivalent of star gazing…”

And with that ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Scattered Thoughts…..

10 Things the guy you're screwing wish you knew

1. The lyrics to Big Pun's hit song "Get Off My D*ck".

2. If we wanted drama, you would be our girlfriend instead of just being our jump off.

3. Yes, hanging out with my boys or playing ball might take precedence over you.

4. If any of your friends were worthy of hooking up with any of mine, I would have approached you before you even thought about it.

5. We don't avoid your phone calls, we just prefer not to talk to you at that particular time.

6. We don't care if your best friend backstabbed you by sleeping with your ex, we're only here to get some.

7. We do care that your hot best friend slept with your ex because it means there is a shot they might hook up with us.

8. Dudes know that p*ssy doesn't come for free and in general we're cool with that; but the same should apply for d*ck. If you're not going spend a few bills on my ass, expect #9....

9. Don't call me, I'm busy.

10. In the movie "How High", Mike Epp's character plays the role of a pimp. In the movie, he's talking to his assistant pimp (that's how he refers to him) and tells him: "You ain't neva gonna be a pimp. Your grandfather was an assistant pimp, your daddy was an assistant pimp, and so your kids are gonna be assistant pimps." What that means is don't expect to be his franchise player if he's always treated you as nothing more then a role player. He has almost no interest in promoting your ass to anything better.

If She’s On Her Period…..
All men deal with this. And yet none of us truly know what  is acceptable behavior when faced with a woman (in this case, I’m referring to a wife, girlfriend or booty call) who is on her period. Indeed, as we grow older, we become more experienced individuals in dating, relationships and sexual intercourse. However, how many of you can truly say they know what to do or say when they are dealing with a lady that is on her period? Former R&B pop star Monica gave us this warning:
“It’s just one of them days,
that a girl goes through,
When I’m angry inside
Don’t wanna take it out on you”

That’s truly the best information that we have ever received. But then again, does it apply to every woman? Not quite. That’s like saying that every guy likes sports. It’s a fairly large generalization that actually isn’t necessarily in touch with reality.

So in order to adequately talk about this, I asked a few women about it all and got several insightful answers. Here’s the best breakdown I got, compliments of Nadine from San Diego, California:

First PMS is “pre” so we have hormone changes well before we actually start. I wish I knew more medically to say what the imbalances are; but anyway most women start feeling impatient, anxious, sensitive and that's when men say “is it that time of month?” That just pisses off a woman and at the time we aren't so it aggravates us even more; also women like to have some control & PMS is an out of control feeling sometimes depending on the hormone change for each woman and we HATE the cycle hate hate hate it...us knowing we are bound to something we hate makes us feel worse.

Then you throw a man in the mix and he becomes the straw that broke the camels back. Men are insensitive to the cycle, make fun of it, treat women like she has a disease. They hate to even know when their woman’s on it. Women are abandoned every month by their men because of the $#%! curse we're born into...so men should rub their women’s backs because she's hurting inside, and not treat her like she's of no use to him because he can't have sex with her, or be disgusted by her because she has no control over it.  Women are on a cycle every so many days like clockwork. So if a man is in a relationship with a woman he should know what the cycle is....not say "didn't you just have your period" yeah dummy last month. So there, men should not say anything condescending and be supportive because by the last day she is soooooooooo ready to get it on but only if he's treated her right…..

In essence, what Nadine is saying is that it’s important to be in touch of the woman’s needs; hence you better know what your woman likes and what she wants. Most men don’t actually take the time to ask this question. Depending on the type of person, the needs vary. So here’s a quick list of what women told me they would rather their men do:
-Stay the f____ away and be quiet.
-Be quiet.
-Rub stomach and massage back.
-Hot water packs (you put those on her stomach and it helps soothe the pain from caused by the cramps)
-Get her an insane amount of chocolate ; mind you make sure you know her well because if you don’t, this one might backfire. Some women want to avoid snacks when they feel bloated because it makes them feel fat (no matter how skinny they are). So make sure you ask her about this one before you actually do it.
-Avoid debates (she already hates you, don’t make her hate you more).

I have one last point I want to add, but keep in mind this one stems from my own dealings and not from actual advice women gave me. To all the men out there, try to recall the last time you invited a woman (not a girlfriend though, think a booty call) for a sexual encounter in which she failed to leave immediately after the business. Remember how bad you wanted her to leave and yet she just stayed there despite having served her purpose? At times, that’s how our collective wives/girlfriends feel about us men when the blood drops. Think back to that moment; and understand she might not want you around.

From the vault: Cosmo Sex Questions
One of my friends hooked me up with a Q&A from Cosmopolitan. The Q&A was the top 100 sex questions. As some of you may know, these magazines inspire me at times. They are the equivalent of John Starks talking trash to Michael Jordan; they bring out the best of my skills (at least in my mind). With that said, here are some of the questions and answers from the article. It was titled "100 Naughty Sex Questions", and written by Bethany Heitman. It appeared in the July 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan. I took the liberty of including my take on the questions and the answers. Let's run through them.

Q:Is there any way to tell if a guy has had sex recently?
A: Only if you ask him. No guarantee that he'll tell the truth though.
Shyne's take: How about, if you smell his penis. It worked in Baby Boy right?

Q: Will I become loose if I have many partners?
A: No
Shyne's take: A lot of men think this (my friend Money) that it’s true.

Q: I hear that squeezing my PC muscles makes sex hotter for him. Why?
A: The tighter grip on his penis adds an insane surge of pleasure.
Shyne's take: I seem to be a different breed when it comes to this one; the squeezing actually hurts me. Anyone else in the same boat as me?

Q: Why does my boyfriend want to ejaculate on me?
A: He probably saw it in a porno movie.
Shyne's take: Or you think he's your boyfriend and really he's not. He just wants to blow his load all over you and then be done with you.

Q: Do men of different ethnic backgrounds have different penis sizes?
A: This is a popular rumor but no credible study proves it.
Shyne's take: Vampire stories have long been a grand fixture in the world. We have seen books, movies and even TV shows depicting vampires in their daily lives. However, according to the majority of  people, vampires have never existed (purely fictional). I think it's rather fascinating that vampires are always depicted the same way regardless of the medium. Whether, it's in movies or books, they are always described as having specific powers and specific weaknesses. This implies that fact or fiction, they came from somewhere. What does this have to do with the Cosmo question? Well for years we have heard that certain ethnic backgrounds are well endowed; this suggests that this information came from somewhere.  So although I cannot confirm nor deny the claim, I have to believe it might have a tiny hint of truth to it.

Q: If I don't have sex for a while, will my vagina tighten up?
A: No.
Shyne's take: Once again, for Money.

Q: What's a good song to have crazy sex to?
A: "Doin' it", by LL Cool J.
Shyne's take: “If Your Girl Only Knew” by Aaliyah. Let me know how that works out for you.

Q: What outfit will get him really pumped?
A: A school girl getup-it's an oldie but a goodie.
Shyne's take: I agree with that one. I would also add two more:
1. The doctor-patient scenario. The patient only has 2 weeks to live and the good doctor asks what you want as your last request.
2. Cops and robbers. You catch a female thief in the act and strap on the handcuffs. Then she says she can't go back to jail because she has to look out for her nephew. She asks what she can do for you to let her free.

Q: How long should I let him recharge before round two?
A: Anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes.
Shyne's take: That's not long enough. If you want me to be just an average baseball pitcher, that throws maybe one good pitch in the whole inning, sure you can have me recharge for 5 to 30 minutes. If you want a 2003 Pedro Martinez performance out of me, give me a good hour.

Q: Does it feel different to get it on with an uncircumcised guy?
A: No.
Shyne's take: This whole time I thought I had an unfair advantage!

Q: Is there a way to tell if a guy has dabbled sexually with other dudes in the past?
A: Only if he constantly refers to his ex named Tim.
Shyne's take: How about if he keeps making references to his time in the pen? Or if he played sports in college, ask him what the initiation was, if he goes quiet for a full two minutes, there's your answer.

Q: Does my guy fantasize about my hot friends?
A: Yes.
Shyne's take: The solution is to only have him meet the ugly ones. Why? Because men know that their girlfriends are keeping an eye on them when their hot friends are around. It might make us uncomfortable. But if you're fine with it, then forget I even mentioned it.

Q: Does a cold shower really kill a man's desire?
A: Yes. Cold water shrinks his penis, and it's hard to feel sexy when you're chilled to the bone.
Shyne’s take: I don’t know if men have actually tried this, but actually put cold water on your testicles while in the shower then switch it up to hot. They will shrivel up and get smaller but once you put the hot water on it again they will become a bit bigger. Do it just for the sake of science. By the way, if you force your man to take a cold shower, expect him to one day get you all excited and ready to put out, but then leave to watch a replay of an old NBA game. Hey, that’s how I would do it.

Q: Why are men hornier in the morning?
A: Testosterone levels peak in the a.m., fueling their sex drive.
Shyne's take: Because our wet dream wasn’t wet enough.

Advice
I have received in the past few weeks a few requests from people that needed help in terms of dealing with a new lady/guy that they were seeing.  Some people needed help overcoming fear of rejection, others needed help to gauge the person’s interest and lastly some people just needed to know if the person they were seeing had any long term potential.

Before I proceed, let me just say that I put a huge premium on privacy, thus I would never divulge your name or any intimate details stemming from interactions I have had with some readers.

Regardless of what I get asked, I always make one thing clear: let your intentions be known. I never encourage people to mislead potential conquests or to lie to them. I think that doing so would be a disservice to all parties involved. Keep in mind, I’m not a matchmaker like Hitch or anything of the sort, but if any type of advice is needed regardless of the topic or situation, I’m your guy.

ShynePhone Rotation
Eminem - Seduction
Eminem ft Slaughterhouse – Session One
Drake – Unforgettable
Eminem ft Lil’ Wayne – No Love
Drake ft Jay-Z – Light Up
The Game ft Jim Jones & Jadakiss – Gang of NY
Eminem ft Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie (special choice by Brooke)
B.O.B. ft Hayley Williams & Eminem - Airplanes
Jay-Z - Threat
Drake – You Know, You Know
Royce Da 5’9 – Airplanes Freestyle

Hip Hop Chamber Rotation (by CEO Drewbreezy)
Joe Budden – Something To Ride To
Kid Cudi ft. Chip Tha Ripper – All Talk
Rick Ross – MC Hammer
The Dream – My Black Everything
TiRon ft Blu & Asher Roth – The Richers
The Cool Kids – Strawberry Girl

Bareknucks Rotation  (by CEO Bob Wetsel)
Nappy Roots – Be Alright
The Roots – The Fire (remix)
Big Boi – Night Night


Feel free to drop me a line in the comments or by email at Shyne@NBAShouts.com. Also, you can me follow me Twitter, my handle name is ShyneIV.


1 Comments:

Seif-Eldeine said...

Congratulations!

This post is nominated for "Most Innovative Post" at "The First Annual Basketball Bloggers' Awards" hosted at my site www.blindsidescreen.blogspot.com.

These awards (unintionally named after Swedish Pop Group ABBA, really wish I realized that before I started advertising them haha) reflect the best work blogging as a platform affords.

As such, it eschews blogs (most of which are the most popular on technorati's top 100)that are just an extension of traditional sports related media (such as Truehoops, Fansided and Sportsnation, your yardbarker being a major exception to this because it takes into account the benefits and creativity blogging affords its writers, such as targeted advertising, entertainment posts rather than "pure basketball" posts and recaps.)

Consider this another step up the pyramid that is basketball writing!

Hope all is well and you started off the New Year's the right way!

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