If You Leave Him, He May Never Come Back

A few days ago, one of my friends confided in me that he had mixed emotions about his former flame. He was confronted with the idea of perhaps getting back together with her, but felt as though there was just too much baggage standing in the way of making such a thing a reality.
And thus, he asked me for my take on the situation but with a twist: he believes in me and trusts my judgment; hence he wanted me to write something about his dilemma and the issues at hand.  He theorized that seeing it in print would make it more real and consequently more comprehensive from his viewpoint.
My friend, let’s call him Jake (obviously after Jake Hoyt in Training Day), was with this woman for several years and admittedly made some mistakes with her. Constantly hitting clubs and strip joints, girls calling over their place and mismanaged finances to name a few; but she forgave him because she loved him. Truthfully, I believe Jake loved his then better half, but he was just too dumb (sorry dude) and arrogant to realize that she was at times too good for him.
But then something funny happened: she realized it herself and left him, but did so because some new dude was in her ear telling her everything she needed to hear. The years she had spent with Jake had made her insecure and in dire need of attention and affection. Hence, when Alonzo (another riveting Training Day reference) showed up and swept her off her feet with his smooth and yet calculated words as well as his manipulative skills to make Jake’s flaws seem bigger than they were, she left Jake for Alonzo.
I cannot judge her actions since I do not know how bad Selina (Batman reference -- Catwoman) felt in the relationship. However, one thing is certain: Selina made a huge mistake and she knows it.
You see, Selina had to learn the hard way that Alonzo was a man who did not believe in monogamy or sharing the truth with his partner(s). Consequently, Selina found herself heartbroken by a man that she initially thought would be the new love of her life as well as her soul mate. But in the end, Zo was nothing more than a man looking for a challenge and a good time; something he obtained at the expense of breaking up Jake and Selina (obviously through the cooperation of both).
Jake’s dilemma now is that Selina wants him back.
It’s been a couple of years since they have been apart but he can’t go back to her. He doesn’t think he could ever trust her and more importantly, it seems as though his heart won’t allow for her to take up any space in it. The most important thing is that regardless of what he decides, he must not let pride dictate his path. I do not get to make a decision for him, but my opinion was solicited nonetheless and therefore here it is: love is both wonderful and hurtful, but if you find yourself becoming someone you are not because of your love interest, it’s not worth it.
In other words, if you cannot see yourself investing into someone without trusting them completely, it may not be worth it. There will always be questions, observations and shaky coincidences that you will rationalize in your mind as being hard evidence that your partner is less than honest with you even though that may not be the case.
I cannot provide any statistical data on this, but it seems as though women have an easier time getting back with a former partner than men do. From where I sit, a return with an old lover is practically impossible given my unwillingness to cultivate relationships with people who no longer have an active role in my life. Indeed, leave me and I’m gone. Forever checked out. But my point of view is far from being gospel or fact. Instead, each must figure out what matters to them and understand what it is they can tolerate.
The lyrics to Usher’s Burn and Justin Timberlake’s Cry me a River are especially poignant for me, but it’s not about me…
It’s about Jake…


Lucy said...

Ok coming from a girl who thinks like a guy when it comes to relationships I think that for the sake of true closure for both parties there should be some exploration of feelings to make sure that there is nothing left unresolved.
As for the trust thing your weak and lazy if you cannot work on trust. Trust is earned, it doesn't just appear automatically even if you think it does. It can be a subconscious decision.
As long as both parties are free from commitment outside of their relationship I don't see why you would just walk away with out at least see if things could progress into something.
Key thing is to remember to be honest of your feelings with both the other individual as well as yourself.

SexyHype said...

I dont think Jake and her should get back together. Its like re-reading a book that he should already know the ending to. I was a sucker for picking up old flames and they all ended worse than before.

Victoria said...

People make mistakes and it sometimes takes time to realize that you've made some of them.

You clearly said that Jake made mistakes while being with Selina, yet she forgave him. It's only normal for a woman (or man) to seek options elsewhere if she feels the relationship is suffering. Yes, she made a mistake with Alonzo but if she realized a few years later that she wants to rekindle her love for Jake, then I believe they should at least give it a try.

Remember, as you stated, they were 'together' for a several years. And depending on how many years that is, there were surely alot of moments that made then happy at one point. I think it's worth exploring and seeing if anything comes out of it.

Jenny said...

Umm, Jake isn't sure if he can open his heart to Selina? Why? You clearly said she left because she realized she deserved better. So why is Jake the victim here? Did he fight for Selina? Or did he just let her go, probably blaming her for all of their problems? Seriously, i don't think Jake deserves another shot, but if Selina gives it to him he should fall on his knees and thank God

Matt said...

A few years back me and my girl broke up. I was working two jobs and when I was off I just wanted to crash, guess I didn't have much time for her, and she left me. We stayed on good terms and a year or so after we broke up we hooked up and two years later we got married. If your friend says he loved her, she deserves a second chance.

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