Scattered Thoughts

Good day ladies and gentlemen, like Em, I know I've been away for a while. Where have I been? Man I don't know. I know some might have been expecting me to talk about the Conference Finals a little more but I have been unable to catch most games in their entirety; therefore I avoided discussing the games. Nevertheless, as some of you may know, at times my mind works in weird and quirky ways......with that I bring my Scattered Thoughts.

*One of my friends hooked me up with a Q&A from Cosmopolitan. The Q&A had the top 100 naughty sex questions. As some of you may know, these magazines inspire me at times. They are the equivalent of John Starks talking trash to Michael Jordan; they bring out the best of my skills (at least in my mind). With that said, here are some of the questions and answers from the article. The name of the article is "100 Naughty Sex Questions", written by Bethany Heitman. It appears in the July 2009 issue of Cosmopolitan. I took the liberty of including my take on the questions and the answers. Let's run through them.

Q:Is there any way to tell if a guy has had sex recently?

A: Only if you ask him. No guarantee that he'll tell the truth though.

Shyne's take: How about, if you smell his penis. It worked in Baby Boy right?

Q: Will I become loose if I have many partners?

A: No

Shyne's take: I put that one there for Money. He was positive that it was indeed the case.

Q: I hear that squeezing my PC muscles makes sex hotter for him. Why?

A: The tighter grip on his penis adds an insane surge of pleasure.

Shyne's take: I seem to be a different breed when it comes to this one, the squeezing actually hurts me. Anyone else in the same boat as me?

Q: Why does my boyfriend want to ejaculate on me?

A: He probably saw it in a porno movie.

Shyne's take: Or you think he's your boyfriend and really he's not. He just wants to blow his load all over you and then be done with you.

Q: Do men of of different ethnic backgrounds have different penis sizes?

A: This is a popular rumor but no credible study proves it.

Shyne's take: Vampire stories have long been a grand fixture in the world. We have seen books, movies and even TV shows depicting vampires in their daily lives. However, if you listen to some people, vampires have never existed (purely fictional),and if you listen to others they will tell you that they did or do in fact exist. I think it's rather fascinating that vampires are always depicted the same way regardless of the medium. Whether, it's in movies or books, they are always described as having specific powers and specific weaknesses. This implies that fact or fiction, they came from somewhere. What does this have to do with the Cosmo question? Well for years we have heard that certain ethnic backgrounds were well endowed; this suggests that this information came from somewhere. So although I cannot confirm nor deny if it's true, I have to believe it might have a tiny hint of truth.

Q: If I don't have sex for a while, will my vagina tighten up?

A: No.

Shyne's take: Once again, for Money.

Q: What's a good song to have crazy sex to?

A: "Doin' it", by LL Cool J.

Shyne's take: Or you could do it while listening to Eminem's Medicine Ball. She might just kill you for putting that song on; hence you'd have crazy sex.

Q: What outfit will get him really pumped?

A: A school girl getup-it's an oldie but a goodie.

Shyne's take: I agree with that one. I would also add two more:

1. the doctor-patient scenario. The patient only has 2 weeks to live and the good doctor asks the patient what they want as their last request.

2. Cops and robbers. You catch a female thief in the act and strap on the handcuffs. Then she says she can't go back to jail because she has to look out for her godson. She asks what she can do for you to let her free.

Q: How long should I let him recharge before round two?

A: Anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes.

Shyne's take: That's not long enough. If you want me to be just an average baseball pitcher, that throws maybe one good pitch in the whole inning, sure you can have me recharge for 5 to 30 minutes. If you want a 2003 Pedro Martinez performance (basically a Moss) out of me, give me a good hour.

Q: Does it feel different to get it on with an uncircumcised guy?

A: No.

Shyne's take: This whole time i thought I had an unfair advantage!

Q: Is there a way to tell if a guy has dabbled sexually with other dudes in the past?

A: Only if he constantly refers to his ex named Tim.

Shyne's take: How about if he keeps making references to his time in the pen? Or if he played sports in college, ask him what the initiation was, if he goes quiet for a full two minutes, there's your answer.

Q: What can I do sexually when I have my period if I don't want to have actual sex?

A: Give and receive sensual massages.

Shyne's take: Some might take offense to this, but it's either you put out if he doesn't mind the whole Vampire scene, or else you give head. None of those work for you, tell him to call his Franchise Player.

Q: Does my guy fantasize about my hot friends?

A: Yes.

Shyne's take: The solution is to only have him meet the ugly ones. Why? Because men know that their girlfriends are keeping an eye on them when their hot friends are around. It might makes us uncomfortable. But if you're fine with it, then forget i even mentioned it.

Q: Does a cold shower really kill a man's desire?

A: Yes. Cold water shrinks his penis, and it's hard to feel sexy when you're chilled to the bone.

Shyne's take: All I know is that when cold water touches my footballs, they get cold and it hurts.

Q: Why are men hornier in the morning?

A: Testosterone levels peak in the a.m., fueling their sex drive.

Shyne's take: Because our penis shines on the sun when we wake up. Yes, you read that sentence correctly.

*Approximately a decade ago (possibly more), Run DMC recorded the song "Down with the King". Little did they know that their song was the prelude to an individual that would claim the title of King and become a permanent fixture in the media and the sport of basketball. Last night, with the Cleveland Cavaliers trailing the Orlando Magic 3-1 in their best of seven series; the whole state of Ohio (pimps included) as well as the rest of the sporting world tuned in to see if King James would allow the Magic to send him home packing on his home court. After going up big early in the game, thanks in large part to Mo Williams and Delonte West, the Magic did what they've been doing all series: they were resilient and clawed their way back. By halftime the score read 56-55 in favor of Cleveland. Once the third quarter started, it took all of a minute and 30 seconds for the Magic to take the lead. By the end of the third quarter, Orlando was up 79-78. Craig Sager asked Mike Brown in between quarters if LeBron would get a rest in the fourth quarter, and Brown replied that the coaching staff was actually discussing it. But turns out the discussion didn't last long (kind of like a Kobe and Shaq discussion) as Bron Bron spent the entire fourth quarter on the court.

The Cavs did the unthinkable in this game. They posted LeBron James at the three point line and put one big man and three guards on the court. That was the offense for the fourth quarter. The result? LeBron James either scored or assisted on 32 straight points. A herculean effort by the King. However, after the game, Reggie Miller, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley said they had never seen anything like what they saw in this game. And that in itself should spell doom for the Cavaliers. They argued that the Magic were wearing down LeBron and also that it would be awfully tough for him to just be the team for an entire fourth quarter for three straight games. And they do have a point. LeBron needed 37 points, 14 rebounds and 12 assists to secure a home victory against the Magic. If LeBron has to play this way in every fourth quarter, you have to assume that the Magic will win. The problem right now for Cleveland is that LeBron James has not yet had a bad game. Think about that. Cleveland is down 3-2 and yet LeBron has been the best player in the Conference Finals (East and West). In no way am I counting out the Cavaliers, but the minutes for the Cavs starters (especially James) are starting to add up. Let's see what happens in Game 6.

*Speaking of Game 6, Mike Brown made an interesting adjustment in Game 5. He finally realized that he was screwed no matter who he put on Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu. If he put LeBron on one of them, the other one ended up get his shine on because of a favorable match up. Indeed, Turkoglu has been matched up most of the series with Delonte West and Lewis has been matched up with Anderson Varejao. However, going into fourth quarters, Bron would guard the hottest one and cool him down while the other started to heat up. So what was Mike Brown's adjustment? He said the hell with trying to match up with them. It has become painfully clear that no one on the Cleveland team can guard Turkoglu or Lewis. So instead he decided not to try to guard them, but instead to have them play defense on shooters. So last night, in the clutch, we had Mo Williams, Delonte West, Daniel Gibson, Anderson Varejao and LeBron James on the court. So anytime that LeBron drove to the basket, there were a few open shooters on the court. The other thing I noticed, Gibson is a pretty good individual and team defender. So the team actually got a few stops with him on the court. They did not appear to be outmatched (which should be the case). Going into Game 6, let's see if this strategy holds up and how the Magic adjust to it if it does.

*I have not yet seen Terminator Salvation but I will probably see it tonight. However, don't think I'm a big fan. As some of my friends will admit, I have had issues with Terminator since the first movie. Think about it. For 20 years people from the future have been telling us that if we accomplish this task and a few others, we will prevent a chain of events that will lead to a war between man and machine. Here we are 20 years later, and you know what? The war still happened!!! If I was from the future and told you to that Barack Obama would be elected as President of the United States in 2008 and it didn't happen, I would lose all credibility right? Or what if I was from the future and told you that you would write a highly successful book about the Booty Call Guidelines and it would make you rich by February 2009 and then that didn't happen, you wouldn't believe a word I said right? Well for some reason we kept believing the Terminators whenever they traveled back in time to warn us about how to fix things. By the way, am I the only one that sees a problem with the first Terminator movie? John Connor sends a man back in time to save his mother. That same man that saves his mother eventually impregnates her and then John Connor is born. Ummm what?!?! How does that make sense? Let me switch it up for you guys to understand my point better. Imagine Captain Jack Sparrow in 2009. The pirates are now trapped in a war with the Americans (far fetched but bare with me) over the ocean. Now although a pirate, Sparrow comes into contact with a man with a time machine. For a small fee he can send his most loyal servant into the past to prevent this war with the Americans from happening. So Sparrow does just that. He sends William Turner back in time (40 years back in time) to prevent the war and protect Mrs Sparrow (his mother, let's call her Gloria) as well, because the Americans also send the J-4000 (a Terminator inspired from the Joker, as portrayed by Heath Ledger) to kill her. So Turner makes it all the way back to 1969. He befriends Gloria Sparrow and explains the future to her. Then he sleeps with her and afterwards enters battle with the J-4000. The battle ends when Turner drives a spear into the head of the laughing J-4000 that initiates its self-destruction mechanism. The J-4000 explodes and the blast kills Turner. Gloria Sparrow is saddened by the death of William Turner but later finds out she is pregnant and carrying Turner's son. That very same son, will be Jack Sparrow.

Admit it, after reading my story, you thought it was completely off the wall and you would never want to follow such a story (well the characters are cool for this version of Terminator). And yet, that's the actual story line for the first Terminator movie. Go figure.

*Enjoy Game 6 of the Western Conference Finals tonight. I should be giving it a look.


Scattered Thoughts

Every now and then, my mind wonders and I start rambling on a variety of subjects. As Joe Budden would say, welcome to my padded room; otherwise known as Shyne’s mind. Ladies and gentlemen, my scattered thoughts.

*The Denver Nuggets strolled into to the Staples Center on Wednesday night for a Game 2 thriller. In the second quarter, with the game starting to slip away and the Lakers taking control of the game, George Karl inserted Linas Kleiza who started making shots and brought his team back. The game really seemed like it might get out of reach for the Nuggets but they made a run to manage a 55-54 halftime deficit. And then in the second, Denver displayed their toughness by knocking people to the ground and getting tough baskets inside. Ultimately, Denver pulled off the upset and won in Kobe's house. Let's see how the Lakers respond tonight in Denver.

*Isn't it fascinating that Carmelo Anthony is scoring so much more easier then Kobe Bryant is so far in this series? Melo is getting jump shots, post ups, put backs, drives, lay ups, dunks and the like. Kobe on the other hand is making tough shots. Keep an eye on this as this series develop. The guy that has to work the hardest for his points might wear down in a long series.

*Last night, LeBron James bailed out the Cleveland Cavaliers with an unbelievable fade away three point basket that gave his team a win at the buzzer. However, the most interesting subplot of the Cavs-Magic series is Cleveland's ability to get big leads in the first half only to watch Orlando come back later in the game and take back the lead. Some see this as necessary hardship if the Cavs are going to win the title. But instead, I see this more as a sign that Orlando does in fact have their number. A team that was nearly invincible at home lost to the Magic once in this series and have needed LeBron's last second heroics to avoid losing two home playoff games. This somehow reminds me of the 2004 Lakers that lost in the Finals to the Pistons. Expect Orlando to blow out Cleveland in one of their home games.

*Athletes and celebrities are no different from regular people. They all have issues and deal with their own personal turmoil that affects them on a daily basis. Although we don't always realize it, we love these people because of their ability to put things aside and still continue to do whatever it is that they do and still entertain us. Whether it's Dwyane Wade going through brutal divorce details leaking out in the public, Kobe Bryant dealing with a sexual assault case, Nick Cannon dealing with Eminem (was just too funny to pass up), Joe Budden dealing with his baby mother or Eminem facing his demons pertaining to his mother and drug addiction; we embrace these people because of their ability to rise above all else and still perform. It's a big reason why we feel connected to these people. That being said, never take serious issues for granted, there are a thousand stories out there of personal resiliency, but there are probably a lot more stories of people's failures. Learn from peoples mistakes and yours as well. It's why Jump Off Joey speaks to me. Although he and I have never met, I feel everything he says and feel a connection to Budden because of his ability to look inside his soul and detail all of his hardships and how he deals with them. There is always something to learn and also different sources of inspiration. When I need to get inspired, I listen to Joey and then I start writing.

*Thursday afternoon, Qwest, Money, Supreme and I had lunch at the Eaton Center and had debate about who the better player was between Kobe and LeBron. And man what a debate it was. Guys got heated. Supreme got testy and started calling us out for our basketball IQ, then I told him to go watch some gay porn and that was that. No one really “won” the debate. Then last night the King drilled the game winner and we started exchanging texts by Blackberry; and it was on again. In the end, the reason why our debate was flawed was because our very definition of “best player” is somewhat subjective; we basically look at different things when assessing who’s better then who. For instance, if you ask Qwest what physical features he looks for in a woman and then ask me, you will get a completely different answer (this should be an article in itself by the way). The reason being is that we have different things that we look for and like. So when discussing Kobe vs LeBron, it’s important to know what it is that we are looking for in our superstars. I have an idea of what Supreme looks for but I won’t speak on his behalf (he’s looking for the closest thing since MJ, there I said it!!). So when it comes to being the best player in the NBA, what does Shyne look for? So glad you asked, here we go:
-Must have his team in the playoffs every year (unless injured for 10 games or more);
-Must pass the parents eye ball test (you know, you watch a game and one of your parents that knows nothing about sports glances over at the TV and asks “wow, who’s that guy?”);
-Must be able to carry his team for stretches in games, seasons, and playoffs;
-Must make his teammates better;
-Must be a leader (do his guys go all out and hop on and off his back when he asks them);
-Must at least try to will his team;
-Must affect games on offense and defense;
-Must terrify the fans on the road;
-Must cut out the heart of the opposition;
-Must give his best when his best is needed.

LeBron James gets a checkmark for all of those statements, whereas Kobe Bryant might be missing one or two of those. The argument between Supreme and I reached its apex when I discussed the efficiency of both players. ‘Preme thought that my argument was based on their numbers, which it was not. My point was that Kobe Bryant was a truly gifted and aesthetic scorer but that most of his points came by way of his jump shot. In contrast, Bron Bron has almost no “style points” in his game but gets to the rim with a lot of repetition. To me that meant that James was a more efficient player because his points come at the rim whereas Bryant’s points come by way of jump shots. No one is arguing who has the most tools. It’s obvious that Kobe has all of them; but what I want is an efficient player that takes and makes high percentage shots. Supreme said that Kobe taking a fade away jumper over two players was an efficient shot for him (which I agree with); however LeBron James getting to the basket is a much more efficient shot in my estimation. So that’s where the debate got heated and that ‘Preme said :”Shyne tell me how my ass tastes”. OK, I made that last part up, but I’m pretty sure he wanted to say it. By the way, in March of this year, I tackled the MVP debate ( and also in March 2008 I wrote about who I would want if I had to start a franchise today (; funny how I wrote articles about Kobe vs LeBron almost exactly a year apart.

*After reading my requirements for best player in the league status, who else in the playoffs fits the description? Let’s put them up again:
-Must have his team in the playoffs every year (unless injured for 10 games or more);
-Must pass the parents eye ball test (you know, you watch a game and one of your parents that knows nothing about sports glances over at the TV and asks “wow, who’s that guy?”);
-Must be able to carry his team for stretches in games, seasons, and playoffs;
-Must make his teammates better;
-Must be a leader (do his guys go all out and hop on and off his back when he asks them);
-Must at least try to will his team;
-Must affect games on offense and defense;
-Must terrify the fans on the road;
-Must cut out the heart of the opposition;
-Must give his best when his best is needed.

Carmelo Anthony fits all of them except possibly for the leader one. Crazy isn’t it? People have been mentioning that Melo has finally matured and now gets it; but these same people have not mentioned that right now the discussion might actually be LeBron, Melo and Kobe. Yes, in that order. All three of these guys have been awesome for some stretches in this year’s playoffs. Look at the numbers:
-LeBron James’ per game averages: 34.7 points, 8.8 rebounds, 6.7 asssits, 1.90 steals, 2.1 turnovers, 55.0% field goal percentage (LeBron gets to the line so often that his field goal attempts per game in inferior to Melo and Kobe; crazy stat right?)
-Carmelo Anthony’s per game averages: 28.6 points, 6.6 rebounds, 4.3 assists, 1.75 steals, 2.25 turnovers, 49.0 field goal percentage
-Kobe Bryant’s per game averages: 28.6 points, 5.1 rebounds, 4.4 assists, 1.93 steals, 2.36 turnovers.

Numbers obviously don’t tell the whole story, but when watching the games, Carmelo has seemed far more dominant. But then again, ‘Preme brought up a good point this morning; he said that our expectations for Kobe are far greater because we have seen him do it before. Although that may be true, come playoff time, I want a guy to step his game up and be the guy. I have seen it more from Melo in this year’s playoffs then I have seen it from Kobe.

*The Booty Call Guidelines are basically a set of rules I came up with a few weeks ago. That being said, it is entirely up to you if you wish to follow them. If you chose to do so, make sure that all parties involved are well aware of the BCG. That’s basically my way of saying, don’t blame me if you follow certain parts of it but omit others and then things blow up in your face.

*Joe Budden’s catch line: “Why try to fit in when you a stand out?”

*Shyne’s Ipod rotation from this morning
>Joe Budden – Just to be different
>Eminem – Hello
>Cam’ron – Who
>Cam’ron – Get it in Ohio
>Crooked I – Slaughterhouse is a Big Deal
>Mike Jones – Scandalous Hoes II
>Eminem – Same Song, Same Dance
>Slaughterhouse – Wack MCs
>Charles Hamilton – New Girlfriend Music
>Eminem – Medicine Ball
>Let me know what you guys are listening to as well these days

*Men and women are completely different. Men do things that make sense to men but at times do not make sense to women. Women at times do things that make sense to women but do not make sense to men. Before you get all excited, no I did not make a list of those things (maybe I should though), but I would still be curious to know what some of those things are. For instance, every man has done something at some point in time that has led to feeling the wrath of a woman and yet he had no idea what it was that he did. See, us men like knowing these things; that way we can avoid them from happening altogether.

*When do you really know someone? That’s one hell of a question right there. Philly is my right hand man and I know him inside out and it’s the same for him with respect to me. If he has an important event in his life, he won’t even bother to invite me because it’s a given. But truth be told, it wasn’t always this way. Him and I grew closer as the years passed but I cannot really pinpoint when it is that I can say I knew him. I guess the day comes when you know, but until that day comes, you really don’t know. Right?

*The other day, someone asked me when I started writing and why. The question kind of took me down memory lane. I guess it’s only fair that I share that with you. In August 2008, we all went to Superstar’s house and discussed the idea of having a basketball team and playing in the Montreal’s Senior basketball league. Once we established that we would participate in the league; we needed a name for our squad. Some suggested NBC (National Ballers Click) which we had previously used, but some of us weren’t really feeling the name. Philly had seen a documentary on silverback gorillas and felt the name would be great for the team. He thought that we would sound nasty, intimidating and scary to other teams; so we adopted the name. In all the commotion, we thought to ourselves that maybe we should have a blog. I thought the idea was good so by October or November 2008, the blog was launched and I started writing about the team and making profiles of my teammates. But then I hit a wall. There is only so much you can write about your basketball team that you see only once a week. So I had to figure out other things to write about. That’s when I really started writing about stuff (if you want to call it writing LOL) from every day life. Maybe one day I might even put up my whole profile on here and include my academic achievements (NOT). Feel free to drop me a few lines if you have any comments or questions.

Eminem: My Darling

A few days ago, I posted a piece about Man Crushes. Well, those of you that have been following the blog this week have probably noticed how much I have been "bigging up" Em's new album. So needless to say, we can add him to the Man Crush list. From now on, if Em drops a new track or is a guest appearance, that song has now reached "must cop" status; it's really that simple. Speaking of which, last night I found a new track from Em (not on the Relapse album) that I am guessing will be on his next album. The title of the song is My Darling. Marshall Mathers is essentially stuck in the mirror arguing with his conscience, his bad side if you will. His bad side brings up sensitive issues such as his childhood and his mother which obviously get EM’s good side amped. The bad side then offers to bring Slim's career back and gets Dre on the phone to convince him. The good side then hangs up with Dre and tries shooting himself to put an end to the bad side but the bad side replies: "you can't kill a spirit even if you tried to". He then reminds Marshall of the night that he prayed to God before he signed with Dre and all the things he dreamed of : the record deal, the house, the albums and the cars; but carefully explains that all of those things came with a downside such as the loss of friends, not being sure of if his kids like him and the inability to sleep after shows without NyQuil just to name a few. At this point on the track, the good side and bad side have become one, both voices are rhyming together at the same time to display this. The song plays out a little bit like DMX's Damien; however Damien and DMX were two separate people whereas in this case Em is battling the demons inside him. Like MJ, Eminem has come back from a long hiatus to reclaim the top spot. Like I said previously, he has reached "must cop" status; hell we'll even change it up, from now on must cop shall be referred to as Slim Status or Slim Shady Status. Enjoy.

Scattered Thoughts

Every now and then, I end up having a few scattered thoughts. Let's run by them.

*This one is pure geek talk, so feel free to skip to the next point. For those of you out there that read Batman R.I.P., what the hell happened? I feel as though I was sent in multiple directions and yet nothing major really happened. It was said that the event was supposed to be the biggest event in the last 70 years of Batman's comics. My answer to that: really? We basically find out that Batman is basically is schizophrenic and that a small amount of people (including the Joker) know that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So it turns out that is secret identity isn't so secret, and by the end of Batman R.I.P., the man claiming to be Thomas Wayne (Bruce's father) basically tells him to join him into a life of crime or else. Batman refuses and then he disappears. Somehow this is supposed to lead into Infinite Crisis where the Dark Knight is captured by Darkseid and eventually dies. The death of Batman leads in to Battle for the Cowl. With criminals noticing the absence of Batman, they decide to take back Gotham. In order to counter this the Bat family suggests that perhaps someone should wear the cowl in order to once again instill the fear that Batman did. Well one tiny problem arises: there are three potential Batmans; all the three Robins. Jason Todd (second Robin) decides to go Nore on people and becomes a Superthug whilerocking a new and improved bat suit. He basically murders whoever he catches in the act, by way of guns and explosives. Tim Drake (third and current Robin) decides to rock the original suit and goes after Todd. In the meantime, Dick Grayson (original Robin and now Nightwing) is contemplating the idea of taking on the mantle of the bat. He is unsure if the city really needs a Batman; but by the time he decides that he will wear the suit, he realizes that Drake is already patrolling the streets dressed as Batman. Just what the comic book world needs, multiple Batmans. For those of ou that watch the Big Bang Theory, imagine having three Sheldens on the show, way to not keep it pimping. Nevertheless, I will still follow the story arc, but just know that I am not impressed; especially with the Whatever happened to the Caped Crusader that was recently published in Detective Comics. It's basically Batman at the pearly gates.....Not making much sense to me but whatever, I'll try to keep you comic book freaks posted.

*Please cop Eminem's Relapse album. I am typing this as I listen to the song Hello, with my head bobbing and enjoying the flow of the beats and the genius of his lyrics.The dude can rap folks. For instance, he uses the name of Christopher Reeves a few times on the album and mentions why on the track Medicine Ball. On the same track, he actually raps as Reeves responding to Eminem's jabs. Like I said, co Em's ish. Yes, I can write and listen to music at the same time, what can I say, I'm gifted.

*Now on the other hand, Cid hooked me up this week with Cam'ron's Crime Pays album. Now keep in mind, me and Cam have a history from his previous albums and his DIplomats tracks; so I know what to expect from him. Me and Supreme have been joking about it for the past week and half by dropping lines such holly molly, goonie googoo, rollie ollie pollie and my favorite tajbaj gabaj (from I really mean it). Needless to say, I have no faith in Killa's ability to touch bases with me on a song or even talk about anything remotely serious without a few lines that make no sense at all. Some of you might think I'm hater or harsh, but please explain lines like:
-Make'em disappear like vamanos vatos
-Cookies and Apple Juice (song title and chorus)
-We beef like farmers do.
Do I really need to continue? The thing that might have killed my listening experience might be me listening to Em's Relapse album and then listen to Cam's album in the span of like two days. So that might have exposed Cam's "lyricism" a little more the usual. You can cop the album for entertainment purposes, but not for actual hip hop content.

* Two Game 7s tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. One thing comes to mind though, can it be a coincidence that the two teams involved in last year's Finals are both heading into Game 7s this Sunday? Then again, the Celtics are banged up, so it's understandable; but the Lakers? What excuse do these guys have for not showing up? ESPN's John Hollinger touched on something that no one has mentioned so far: Phil Jackson is getting exposed by Rick Adelman. And you know what? He's freaking right!! How else do you explain Fisher getting all of this playing time in a series in which his production has matched that of Dwyane Wade in the second round (for those of you that didn't get that line, Wade was eliminated in the first round......get it now?). Jordan Farmar has in fact looked way better in the Lakers lineup. And another thing that puzzles me that Hollinger mentioned as well; does Kobe know he's trying to win a title? He seems way more concerned in firing up jump shots over Shane Battier then going to the hole and converting at the rim while getting fouled. Don't get me wrong, Shane Battier is a fabulous defensive player; basically if there ever was a Kobe Stopper, it's probably Battier, but with that said Kobe Bryant is Kobe effin Bryant. He should be able to get to any point on the court that he wants, and right now that point is not the painted area. It leads me to wonder, could Battier be playing head games with Kobe? Could be Battier be challenging him to make jump shots, and Kobe has been stupid enough to acept the challenge? Speaking of which, the other night I was watching Game 6 and was messaging Money at the same time. I said messaged him something along the lines (unfortunately I deleted the message) of "Battier is like herpes on Kobe". Money responded by saying that Battier probably wouldn't like that line but that we could come up with worse or better depending on your stance. Money's line: Kobe seems to like it up the Batti, ay?

*Just for the hell of it:
“Blame on Kobe,
Blame it on the Phil,
If they fall,
Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol.”

*If the Lakers lose on Sunday, do we have to reconsider Kobe’s greatness? Some Laker Nation fans might consider that question as blasphemous; but let me ask you this, would any truly great superstar with a team loaded with as much talent as the Lakers lose to a team of no names and role players? Ummm……now that I think about it, sure; things like that happen. Hell, the last time it happened, it was in 2004 when the Lakers lost to the Pistons in the Finals……Don’t get me wrong people, #24 is a great player with tons of accomplishments, but he also has some failure on his curriculum.

Preview of Houston @ Los Angeles Lakers Game 7

The Dave Chappelle show is arguably the funniest show to have graced television. Between the jokes, the sketches and the story telling; the show was second to none. In the last season, when the show lost Dave Chappelle, they weren't as funny but they could still hold their own. However, if the show had lost both Dave Chappelle and Charlie Murphy, they would have royally bombed. Now think about this, if I had a comedy show competing directly with the Chappelle Show and our ratings still sucked after the loss of the show's two marquee stars, you would probably tell yourself that my show sucked right? Using that same logic, could this mean that the Lakers are overrated? Or even worse, could they actually suck? The Houston Rockets have lost both Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming in the same season and here they are, forcing a Game 7 this Sunday at home. Considering the respective teams talent level, I would expect the Lakers to come out at home on Sunday and blow out the Rockets. But there is one thing about the Kobe Bryant led Lakers that puzzles me: ever since Shaq left town, the Lakers have had trouble with elimination games. When Shaq was still in L.A. , the Lake Show faced a Game 7 against Portland in the 2000 Western Conference Finals in which the team showed the resiliency to come back from 13 points down in the fourth quarter and win the game. A few years after, the Lakers were in the 2002 Western Conference Finals, where they faced a tough Game 7 on the road in Sacramento in what ended up being a huge overtime thriller that they won. But the Lakes track record ever since has been shaky at best when facing elimination. Once Shaq left, it's as if the team lost all of its mental toughness.In the 2005-2006 playoffs, the Lakers traveled to Phoenix to play the Suns in what was supposed to be an awesome Game 7 (the games kept going into overtime and had been closely contested, with Raja Bell giving Kobe a clothesline in Game 5); instead we were treated to a 121-90 smack down of the Lakers. The following year, the Lakers traveled to Phoenix facing elimination in Game 5 of the series. The result was a 119-110 beating at the hands of the Suns once again.  And last year, with a chance at forcing Game 7, the Lakers went to Boston and lost the game after the first quarter. Yes, the NBA Finals were over after the first quarter of Game 6. The end result was a 131-92 spanking of Bryant's Lakers. Needless to say this current group of Lakers do not seem to have that killer instinct needed to stay in tough grinding games; and like it or not Laker fans, it all comes from their leader. He is the one that has to instill that into his teammates. Nevertheless, I still think the Lakers will get it done. All the previous collapses mentioned earlier came on the road, so I can still see Los Angeles triumphing in the end. But just remember that L.A. seems to have issues in elimination games. If the Rockets get hot early in the game, they have the required players needed to slow down or stop scoring runs (as seen in Game 6); such defensive prowess normally keeps teams into games until the end. That being said, I still see the Lakers winning Game 7, but Denver will be waiting impatiently for the Western Conference Finals to start. 

Preview of Orlando @ Boston Game 7

Last night, the Orlando Magic got a big game (23 points, 22 rebounds, 3 blocks) from Dwight Howard which allowed them to force a Game 7 that will be played this Sunday in Boston. When it comes down to a Game 7, we all know that anything can happen. One team can get hot from three and start shooting bombs away and then that's the game. But there has been a constant that we have seen in this series; Orlando winds up with a big lead and then somehow loses it down the stretch. Not to throw out cliches, but Boston has seemed hungrier and more desperate then Orlando in this series. The Celtics came into the playoffs thinking they were going to repeat as the NBA Champions, but then disaster struck: Kevin Garnett (their team MVP, leader, intimidator and last year's defensive player of the year) was declared out for the postseason; then the Celtics lost the guy backing up KG, Leon Powe; and finally the guy that was expected to replace some of the things James Posey did last year (Tony Allen) has become a Dr. Dre song (The Watcher). After looking at all those details, it's a mystery to me that Orlando has not been able to actually win this series already (it also says a lot about Boston's resolve); I mean if you are going to be an elite team, you have to be able to take out a depleted Celtics team in six games. Keep in mind, I have not even begun to mention Jesus Shuttlesworth's struggles. He has had some open looks in tis series and yet has not managed to knock down open shots. Ray Allen has shot 23 for 75 from the field (30.7 fg %) against the Magic from the field and 5 for 36 (13.9 3pt fg%) from three point range. Half of his shots have come from deep but he has been unable to connect on them. He is however 18 for 18 from the free throw line in the series but that only translates to three free throw attempts per game. I gave Eminem a call and he flatly asked: WIll the real Ray Allen please stand up, please stand up? So if Ray Ray gives them anything at all in Game 7, it's quite possible that Boston will be headed to the Conference Finals. One last thing, does anyone realize that this group

 of Celtics played two Game 7's last year and one this year? All of which were played in Boston and resulted in wins. Needless to say, the Celtics probably feel invincible at home in a Game 7 situation. Between, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Eddie House and even Glen Davis; those guys must be a pretty confident bunch because they've been there before together. Now Orlando on the other hand? For the most part, the only Game 7 these guys have seen either on TV or their seventh game of the regular season. Taking into account the guys in the rotation (so none of the bench players that are actually cheerleaders), only Rafer Alston and Hedo Turkoglu have played in Game 7's. Skip to my Lou' played for Houston during the 2007-2007 season when the Rockets lost to the Utah Jazz. Rafer's line in a loss:

11 points, 3-11 fgs, 2-8 3pt fgs, 4 rebounds, 4 assists. 

Turkoglu played in two Game 7's but had different roles in both games. His first one was in 2001-2002 against the Lakers (one of the best Game 7's ever), he was a role player that was asked to give Doug Christie and Peja Stojakovic a breather every here and there; his line in a loss: 

10 points, 4-7 fgs, 1-2 3pt fgs, 1-4 fts, 5 rebounds, 3 turnovers.

Turkoglu's second Game 7 came againt the Dallas Mavericks in the 2002-2003 season when Chris Webber was injured early in the series and therefore Turkoglu was asked to take a bigger role as far as scoring,defending and rebounding in that series. His line in a Game 7 loss was:

6 points, 2-7 fgs, 5 rebounds, 3 blocks.

In no way shape or form am I saying that these guys can't do it, but Alston and Turkoglu do not have the best track record as far as Game 7 goes and these guys will be starting against the Boston Celtics on Sunday in Boston. The remainder of the team will be experiencing something completely new to them as a team. Let's see if they get rattled like the Hawks did last year or if they keep their composure and take it to the champs.

Man Crush

Let me throw this out there and make it crystal clear: I am a straight man (and there is nothing wrong with being the contrary) and so is Philly. However, every now and then, there are certain guys that we might see or hear that lead us to giggle or act like kids. For instance, me and Philly have a thing for Michael Irvin (retired football player); whenever he is on camera, he always says something that make me and Philly crack up. It's gotten to the point that when he used to do the NFL Countdown morning show on ESPN on Sundays, me and him would meet up and watch it just to hear what the Playmaker (his nickname) would have to say on that day. I believe this is what pop culture calls a man crush. Well believe it or not, this happens more often then some men are willing to admit. So with that said, who are the guys that men tend to have man crushes on? For some reason, white men in the States just seem to be in love with Tom Brady and Brett Favre, and no one can convince me of the contrary. Feel free to send me your list and I will put it up on the site. Please specify if you want your name posted or if you would rather keep it anonymous. I myself couldn't care less about putting that info out there about me, so I guess I might as well give you loyal readers my list.

Last September, Usher was part of the NFL Kick Off show and I made sure to watch Ursh perform songs like Love in this club (now known as Love in this cluhb) and Trading Places. He performed those songs with energy and charisma and obviously put forth his best dance moves thus wowing the crowd. On a completely unrelated note, my brother Qwest is at times referred to as Usher in cluhbs.

Justin Timberlake
Whenever I catch him on TV, you best believe I will watch. I am not easily impressed, but JT has game ladies and gentlemen. Anybody remember JT's performance on Saturday Night Live? I bet you guys don't; but try to think back....Can't recall right? How about if i say:"It's my d*ck in a box!" That SNL skit nearly killed me just from the laughter involved. If that wasn't enough, the dude showed me he was a dedicated actor with his performance in the movie Love Guru. JT sounded exactly like a french canadian from Quebec in the movie. It was down right scary to see an American knowing exactly how to act like a Canadian. Lastly, let's not forget how Timberlake pays his bills folks; singing and dancing. The man knows how to bust a move and drop some vocals, all at the same time.

LeBron James
King James just seems like the guy that you want to hang with. He does all the things that a guy his age should do like clown around with his friends, have fun and crack jokes while on the bench during games, make commercials displaying his personality, charisma and acting ability (you know, kind of like what we do here at SBG) and have fun. Simply put, he seems like one of those guys that you would want to hang with.

Shaquille O'Neal
The Diesel is one of a kind. He goes through Los Angeles during Christmas with a huge gift bag to give presents to kids, he goes on stage and performs with the Jabbawockeez, comes up with killer lines that he feeds to the media and obviously knew/knows/will always know how to stick it to Kobe.

The Rock
This is list was done in no specific order, but if I had to so, Rocky probably would have ended up at the top of the list. Listen, every one is entitled to their own opinion and can have their own set of likes and dislikes; but where people see Hulk Hogan as the icon that was the face of wrestling, I see the Rock. Back in 1998, I was a fresh faced first year student at College Edouard Montpetit and had a ton of stuff to deal with. Between balancing a completely new and different school schedule, seeing a whole new level of variety in terms of women (my high school didn't have much variety to offer), playing ball at the collegiate level, hitting the cluhbs every now and then, hanging out with the boys and actually getting good grades at school, I needed to at times just stay home and relax; but something had to keep me home though. This is where the Rock stepped in. Every monday night, I was (along with every other wrestling fan) treated to WWE's Monday Night Raw. The level of excitement I got whenever the Rock came on to talk on the mic or wrestle was (and still is when I watch Youtube clips) unparallel. Between seeing him perform the Rock Bottom or the most electrifying move in professional sports (The People's Elbow), the Rock had us all hooked. Hell I used to perform the People's Elbow in my living room at the same time as the Rock and I'm willing to bet I wasn't alone. In my mind, Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock saved wrestling at a time that it needed to be saved. Even today, if Dwayne Johnson makes a movie, I will make sure to watch it. Hell, I'm jealous that my friend Marc-O aka Michael Douglas had a chance to meet him. Every now and then, I imagine scenarios in which the Rock accidentily bumps into someone famous like Lil' Wayne....

Lil' Wayne: Careful playa, you can't be bumpin' into dudes like that.
Rock: Young man, what is your name?
Lil' Wayne: Pffffft, you don't recognize me? C'mon playa. A millie,a millie, a millie, a millionaire. I am the best rappah alive, I'm Lil'.......
Fans then just form around both stars and start chanting: ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!
Can you guys tell I've had time to think about this scenario? Now with that said, that's my man crush list. Feel free to send me your own list guys. And yes it's ok to be straight and have a man crush list.

My bad

Good afternoon my loyal readers, I had planned to write a column today in collaboration with Philly (I won't spoil it and tell you guys what it is because it will probably still be written), but something funny happened today. My man Money hooked me up with Eminem's Relapse album last night and I decided to give it a listen this afternoon. Unfortunately, because I hadn't listened to an Em album in quite some time, I forgot how talented he was. The Slim Shady basically destroyed any plans I had of writing a column today because I was too busy listening to his tracks. I have spent the day listening to the album and I must say I am captivated by his ability to drop lines that are at times comedic but
might lead people to believe he is clinically insane (borderline maniacal). For instance, grab this one: “… Gimme a Valium alley oop, slam dunk in your mouth and make you puke…”. The way Em delivers his rhymes coupled with his word choice make him a lyrical genius. When it comes to hip hop, I unequivocally trust Money, and here is what he had to say:" Rhyming words that could only have come from a pattern set in his own mind, some lyrical wizardry". In case it still isn't clear people, go cop that album! On that note, I’ll try to be back tomorrow with new stuff.

Cavaliers @ Hawks Game 3 Recap

The Cleveland Cavaliers marched into Atlanta with the goal of winning Game 3 and putting a choke hold on the Atlanta Hawks. In my mind, it was obvious that the King was going to give a king's performance. On the road with a chance to completely kill the spirit of the Hawks, LeBron James would try everything possible to distance the Cavs from the Hawks. I was expecting something along the lines of 32 points, 7 rebounds and 7 assists. But something weird happened along the way. Atlanta made the game competitive and the Cavaliers' role players were struggling a little on the road. Delonte West was no longer blowing by Mike Bibby for warm up lay ups (seriously, West abused Bibby in Game 2 and kept converting lay ups as if in the lay up line), Wally Szczerbiak could no longer connect on his shots from mid range and long range. Mo Williams was making shots and Zydrunas Ilgauskas scored only when LBJ attracted the defense and fed him for easy lay ins. For the most part, Atlanta had Cleveland exactly where they wanted them. LeBron James would have to completely bail out his team in order for them to get a W. And you know what? Once the King decided to do just that, the game was pretty much over. Unlike in Game 2 in which we saw all of the LeBrons characters from the famous Nike LeBrons commercial (Pop LeBron, Business LeBron, Kid Lebron and Basketball LeBron), Game 3 treated us to Business LeBron. A ruthless assassin that knew when to turn it up and go for the kill in order to seal a business deal. Business made three pointers, mid range fade away jumpers, acrobatic lay ups, floaters and all you can imagine. But he wasn't done. He defended Flip Murray, Joe Johnson, Josh "I keep missing open jumpers because the defense leaves me open on purpose and I keep taking them just like Larry Hughes" Smith, got tough traffic rebounds and created great passing plays. This was very reminiscent of the Etroit 48 point game (after what he did to the Pistons, there no longer is a D in Detroit). Business finished with 47 points, 12 rebounds and 8 assists. The only thing missing from his performance was him combing out his business afro with his flashy pinky ring. Oh and by the way, Game 4 is tonight.

Nuggets-Mavs Game 3 Recap

The Denver Nuggets went into Dallas yesterday afternoon and won a controversial game. The Dallas Mavericks probably got the type of game they wanted: a game in which the officials were trying to keep everything under control. Denver's opponents have been visibly bothered by their tough bruising style. Indeed, the Nuggets have been like Beanie Sigel in this year's playoffs; just assaulting teams without fear of consequences or even any remorse. The best part? It's as if the other teams are afraid to complain about it for fear of being branded as soft (well besides Rick Carlisle who complained about Dirk Diggler getting pushed around). Allow me to illustrate to Denver's current playoff run with a line from Beans: "I rock your bells like L, I ain't Canibus n*gga". That being said, let's get back to the game in question. Dallas was trailing in the series 2-0 and could not afford to fall behind 3-0 in the series. Chances are they were hoping for a game in which the whistles would come quickly considering the amount of punishment they took in the first two games in Denver. And you know what? Dallas got exactly what they wanted. Not only did they get 49 free throw attempts in this game, but they were also able to get key people into foul trouble. Let's have a quick run down of the Nuggets fouls:
-Carmelo, Anthony 5 fouls
Kenyon Martin, 4 fouls
-Chauncey Billups, 4 fouls
-J.R. Smith, 4 fouls
-Chirs Andersen, 6 fouls

With that said, Denver also shot 40 free throws in the game but with the exception of Josh Howard (5 fouls), none of the key players for Dallas were in any significant foul trouble. Now that you have a quick idea of what type of game was played, let's race to the end of the game. Dallas was up 102-101 and had the ball with about 40 seconds left and Dirk Nowtizki isolated in the pinch post (free throw line on ride side of the court) against Kenyon Martin. The German started to put a move on K-Mart and Anthony Carter felt that Martin was about to get burned so he left Jason "I talk a lot of smack by myself after a big shot" Terry alone who then got the ball and drained a three to make the score 105-101 with 31 seconds left. Pretty much everyone in the building figured this game was more finished then Allen Iverson. What happens next? Denver calls timeout, inbounds the ball to Melo who goes in for dunk with 27 seconds left. Score 105-103 in favor of the Mavericks. So Dallas put the ball in the hands of their franchise player…..The Diggler Man aka David Hasselhoff aka Blondie aka 7 feet of shooting motion aka you get the point. So they gave him the ball in the pinch post once again and K-Mart defended the ish out of Dirk and forced an air ball from him. Nuggets got the ball with just about 7 seconds left on the clock and called time. Melo got the ball behind the three point line at the top of the key. He tried to do a stutter step and lost the ball, then he picked it back up and went towards the baseline while Antoine Wright bumped him (let’s be honest, in real time it looked more like incidental contact then an actual bump) and then shot a fade away three point shot that swished in the same way you dream about hitting a game winner. Nugetts up 106-105. Mavs call time. Dirk gets the ball and fires up a prayer that misses everything. Denver takes a 3-0 lead. Then some of the Mavs players lost their minds (we’re talking to you Josh Howard) and decided to try to go get all G'd up with the refs. If history has shown us anything, NBA players aren’t thugs (well except for Isiah Rider and Zach Randolph; funny how both of them played for the Blazers), but some refs chill with mobsters; so pick your battles Josh. That being said, here’s what bothered me about the Mavericks after the game: they whined and cried about how they had one foul to give and tried to foul Melo to prevent him from getting the shot up; but like I mentioned earlier, the play looked like incidental contact. So switch up the scenario, if the Mavs were in the penalty and the same play happened, and the ref had called a foul, Mark Cuban would be complaining about how the refs decided the game instead of letting the players do so. Rick Carlisle said that the ref obviously knew they had a foul to give and should have known they were trying to foul. Using that same logic, Ron Artest should be fouled out before every NBA game that he plays. We all know he is going to commit some fouls and that he might lose his temper at times, so let’s just make the call in advance based on the situation and what we think might happen instead of letting things play themselves out. Great teams win games no matter how many tough calls or non-calls happen during the course of the game. The teams that dwell on bad calls are the ones that usually lack mental toughness and lose (yes I’m talking to you Mike Woodson; having an interview at the end of the third quarter and crying about not getting calls tells me you’re the reason guys like Josh Smith and Zaza Pachulia lose their cool whenever they don’t get calls; and I mean it’s not like the refs are watching your interview dude) their composure and then eventually the game. Stop acting likes victims and man up. But then again, that’s the story of the Mavericks in recent years; whenever faced with adversity in a big game against a tough team, they usually crumble. The one exception was that Game 7 against the Spurs in 2006. Nevertheless, I’ll stop rambling on, congrats to the Denver Nuggets for pulling a tough Game 3 win that has pretty much put them in the Conference Finals. Although none of the teams have actually advanced, it’s pretty much a done deal at this point: Nuggets vs Lakers for the Western Conference crown. Let’s see how Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum react when Nene and Kenyon Martin slap them around like a pimp asking for his money. Imagine K-Mart clapping his hands when he gets on the court and then Gasol gives him a dead president :
Pau Gasol: Here’s the money Mr Martin.

Kenyon Martin: Ahhh nice, I love the smell of money and... WHOA hold up wait a minute, Mr Franklin is a little lonely.
Pau Gasol: I’m sorry, the sidewalk wasn’t as occupied.
Kenyon Martin: Nah man, F this! I want my money!
Kobe Bryant: K-Mart, please leave Pau alone this one time. Do it for me, consider this one a personal favor. I done had plenty of your hoes; so just do this for me please.
Carmelo Anthony (with a camera following him for a Stop Snitching documentary): Kobe, quit cryin. K-Mart you can’t trust him, he a backstabber and a rat. Remember how he aired out Shaq’s business? He’s probably got the same ish in store for you. Just smack Pau up and let’s be done with it.

Let the record show that that’s exactly how the NBA Finals played itself out last year. Garnett played the role of K-Mart and Paul Pierce played the role of Melo. I’m not saying Denver will defeat the Lakers, but I’m not saying they are going to lose either.

Montreal we go hard

Flowing off of Jay-Z's Brooklyn Go Hard, I now bring to you ...."Montreal we go hard, we go hard; Monteal we go hard we go hard". Although it's not a song or a freestlyle, just imagine the beat playing in the background as you read this. In case you haven't guessed it yet, I reside in Montreal, Quebec, Canada; former home of the Montreal Expos, home to the Montreal Canadiens and Montreal Alouettes. Some might not like the city but it's a wonderful place to live in. Let's breakdown why.

Summer times in Montreal have a variety of things to offer to all. If you're a basketball player, head down to the Cage (located on Papineau st at the south entrance of Jacques-Cartier bridge) and you're likely to find some guys to have a good run with. Mind you, the trash talking does get heavy every now and then and guys might need to get separated before it turns into an Artest situation. Not into basketball? You can easily find places to play soccer especially on the east side of Mtl.Still not your thing? You will absolutely find a place for a hockey run regardless of where you're at in the heart of te city. Now if sports isn't your thing; no problem, you have a good amount of museums that you can visit if you wish to enhance your culture and amount of knowledge.

Montreal still goes hard. Between the Jazz Festival (my godfather is a musician and he really digs that ish) that always brings a ton of people to the shows and the Just For Laughs Festival, summer times are truly enjoyable in this city....Our City. But mind you, all these activities are mostly done during the day or early in the evening. There's another side to the city that you never hear about in the news.Things turn a little different at night. Like I said, Montreal Goes Hard.

Without question, Montreal is a hockey town, and the signature team is the Montreal Canadiens. However, because hockey is so huge in the city and province, everything that happens on that front is completely overblown. If the Canadiens win four games in a row, they are headed for the Stanley Cup; but if they lose three in a row, the fans want the head coach fired. In addition, the media in Montreal is possibly the toughest in North America. People talk about New York being a tough market to play in, but I have never seen anything like the Montreal market. Montrealers crucify the Canadiens captain because of his inability to speak french (seriously, Habs fans would probably complain about Ovechkin's accent and inability to speak french if hewer ever to play for the red and blue). Continuing in that same train of thought, fans would be outraged if the future head coach of the team was unable to express himself in french. And keep in mind, the pressure comes mostly from the media who then sets the expectations of the fans and have them believe in whatever they report on. Although some organizations and players thrive under pressure, let's just say that current group has failed to do so. Perhaps the city needs to tone it down. But hey, Montreal we go hard.

I have visited other cities in Canada; and trust me when I tell you this: Montreal is the strip joint capital of Canada. Once you make it to downtown Mtl, you will pretty much find a strip bar at about every three blocks. And make no mistake people, teams that play in Montreal have a huge advantage because of this; when opposing teams come here, they might spend the night out doing "fun stuff". And don't get it twisted, this city offers variety as well. Hispanics, blacks, Caucasians, orientals and the like are all available down here. That's why the Grey Cup is such a huge hit whenever it's in the friendly confines of the 514 area code; players and traveling fans get their money's worth because Montreal we go hard.

In this city, it's important to know that it is very color driven. By color , I'm not talking about tension between black and white people. I'm talking about gang colors. You need to know that in Montreal if you wear too much red or too much blue, certain guys might step up to you and ask you some questions. The general consensus is to avoid wearing red if you go east of Montreal and avoid wearing blue if you go north of the city. This info is important because Montrealers don't back down. Allow me to illustrate:
A few years back, 50 Cent dropped his hit album Get Rich or Die Tryin' that sold out across the globe. Needless to say, when Fiddy came to Mtl for his show, it was sold out. No news there right? Well what some of you might not know is that when Snoop (a very well publicized blue wearing crip) came out to perform, someone from the audience tossed a red bandanna on stage; as if to say welcome to our turf."Montreal we go hard we go hard". Want another example? When Chingy came to town, his chain was almost snatched from his neck; dude had to run out the back door in order to bounce and leave with his piece and pride intact. There are other stories such as these; like rappers being forced at gunpoint to do guest appearances in songs. Truth be told, I don't know if these things happen in other cities, but I know they happen in my city......Montreal go hard.

Feel free to email me ( any story you might have about your city. Make the cut and I'll gladly put it up here.

Booty Call Guidelines: The Women's Code of Conduct

In case you just want to skip to the Men's Code of Conduct, just click here.

How are my fellow readers doing today? I have gotten several reviews for my article on the Men's Code of Conduct. In general, men and women liked the BCG for Men because it helped some of them understand the "do's and don't's" of booty calling. So with that said, it's only fair that we bring forth the Women's Code of Conduct right? Before going into detail about the BCG for Women, let's give out a few definitions.
Franchise Player: The franchise player is your #1 dude. He gets it done like no other (he can Moss the ish out of you) and is very familiar with the rules. He knows how to play the game and never oversteps his boundaries and keeps you happy at all times. Usually, if you're thinking about a possible hubby, it's your franchise player. You will kill plans with any other dude on this list because your franchise player offers no headaches or complications. Things are simple. The franchise player is also known as the "Tyson Beckford".

Superstar: Your friends like the superstar because he's cool and can hold his own whenever your girlfriends are around. Your superstar is extremely good at what he does and that's why you keep him around. The problem with the Superstar is that he gets around and is really open about it. So it's almost impossible to promote him Franchise Player status because he's too much of a man whore. In addition, he is able to hold his own with your friends, but you don't want to leave him alone with any of them for more then 7 minutes because he will manage to hook up with one of them. The Superstar is also known as the "Lil Wayne"or "Jack Sparrow".

Role player: Typically, the role player is a specialist. He is good if not great at that thing he does. He might even at times leave you asking for more, but then you remember that he is lacking in other areas. However, every now and then you might underestimate him and he might come up real big. That's the thing about roles players; the expectations are really low, so whenever he gives you a slightly above performance, you're left wondering what he did to you. However, the Role Player might be the type to try to keep it pimpin' with you but actually catch feelings and start trying to romance you. Avoid spending too much time with him. The Role player is also known as the "Justin Timberlake".

Bench player: Ladies, all of you have a bench player. The way you guys met him might differ but it's usually something along these lines: it had been a while since your last sexual encounter, you were on the 14th day of your menstrual cycle and he looked charming in the cluhb with the lights off after a few fruity drinks. You were desperate at the time and let him get some with you. The problem with the bench player is that he has no business hooking up with you; he's not really attractive, doesn't know how to act if he sees you in public and complains about you not calling him. More often then not, you hope no one finds out that you hooked up with him because it might scar your rep. The Bench Player is also known as the "Elephant Man" (yes, as in the reggae singer).

Injured Reserve (IR): This one is your last resort. If you are unable to hook up with any of the previously mentioned players, you might have to call on your Injured Reserve player. However, the reason you put him on the IR is because he showed a huge inability to Moss you. He either gets to the promise land too fast or takes too long to get there because of his inability to follow your flow. Normally, ladies call him up thinking that he's not that bad or that maybe he's gotten better; but then once all is said and done, you realize that there was a reason you didn't try hooking up with him more often before.

Moss: I realize that some of you might not have read the Men's Code of Conduct, so let me offer a quick definition of the word Moss. It stems from the name of NFL wide receiver Randy Moss who has the ability to just do things on a football field that are pretty impressive. No matter what, he always comes up big and impresses the hell out of people. he is so good that you expect nothing less from him then a flawless performance. Hence the term Moss or getting Mossed.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's tackle the Women's Code of Conduct.

Article I: The Sports Rule
Ladies, when you go over to his place and give him the business and it's all said and done, he will usually do or say something to insinuate that there might be a round 2. If you're cool with going for round 2, that's perfect, you can stay and do whatever. But in the event that he does not give any hints and he starts watching sports or whatever, then it's time to go. You must vacate the area faster then Tchernobyl. There are a couple of exceptions to this rule:

a. Superstar status
If you're his Superstar or Franchise player, you might be permitted to stay because you guys see each other enough to know the drill.

b. Sleep over
The man agreed in advance that you could sleep over.

c. Sports provision
Men will like watching sports with a person that has intricate knowledge of the sport in question. So if you know the sport and you are able to hold your own in a debate about Tom Brady vs Peyton Manning, then you may stay.

Article II: The CSI rule
CSI is short for Crime Scene Investigation. The people that are involved in the profession have the job of collecting and analyzing evidence found at crime scenes. It goes without saying, if criminals failed to leave evidence, they would probably never get caught. My point? It is of utmost importance to not leave any evidence of what happened if you went to the place of the guy you're seeing. Now I can already hear you asking: "What type of evidence are you talking about? I'm not on my period, so no blood left behind!" Great point, but that's not what I'm talking about. Let's run through the list of evidence:

a. Clothes
Never leave clothes behind, we might throw it out, burn it or give it to someone.

b. Jewelry (necklace, watch, rings, etc...)
I appreciate it if you take off your "blinged out" necklace before the act (you know, so it doesn't end up in my face and all), but please make sure to take it back afterwards. We don't want to have to keep it somewhere at our cribs, especially if you're not our Franchise Player.

c. Cell phone
Don't leave your phone behind. EVER. That just means we have to see you sooner then we thought we would have to.

Article III: The Mofone Rule
No need to google the word mofone because it does not exist. It's a word that I took the liberty of making up. The word mofone at its core comes from two words:
-mofo (which is short for motherf*cker)

The Mofone Rule stipulates that women have no right or business going through the man's phone to check out texts, call logs and/or pictures. Truthfully, I think this rule should apply in relationships as well but that might be pushing it a little. But seriously ladies, if you have the audacity to go through his phone, don't expect that to look good on your curriculum. The guy you're seeing might downgrade your status or worse yet, tell his boys you did that. Although some guys love the attention, in general they will stay clear of you once they find out you have the potential to have Cruise Syndrome.

Article IV: Cruise Syndrome
The Cruise Syndrome is named after Tom Cruise. I remember Tom Cruise for his performances in Top Gun and Days of Thunder. He seemed charismatic and charming (at least in my opinion) at the time. However, something weird happened to him. Anyone remember his appearance on Oprah in which he confessed his undying love for Katie Holmes? He came out and started jumping on the couch and did weird things that men are not supposed to do. Well in a nutshell ladies, that's the last thing dudes want to see from a woman. Men like to know what to expect from women. If you're a funny person, keep being funny. If you're a rude person, keep being rude. Men can accept that because they see you as consistent. But the moment you start doing things we did not expect, we get creeped out. For instance, if you hooked up with Pablo ( I use the name Pablo very often just as a generic name) and then he stops hooking up with you; do not....I repeat DO NOT start sending him text messages, emails or facebook notes asking why the sudden loss of interest. Unfortunately, that's just how things are, he might not call you for like two weeks; but if you get weird about it and start doing weird things, he might never call you again. The Cruise Syndrome is synonymous with cacthing feelings.

Article V: The A.C. Green Rule
A.C. Green was a professional basketball player in the NBA from 1985 to 2001. During Green's 16 years in the NBA, he played and hung out with the likes of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant. Needless to say, he played with five guys that will all one day end up in the Hall of Fame. But that's not his claim to fame ladies and gentlemen. Green was popular because of his refusal to engage into any form of sexual activity. Yup, A.C. Green told the world he was a virgin and that he was waiting for Ms Right before having sex. And remember, he played with Magic, Kareem, Worthy, Kobe and Shaq; so he saw an insane amount of groupies. But the most amazing out of all this story? People actually bought it. Think back to Dre's 2001 Chronic skit: "Livin' like A.C. Green, b*itch don't call here anymore!!" Now that you guys have the historical background, let's explain the rule. The A.C. Green rule stipulates that women must accept whatever ridiculous explanation or lie coming from their booty call as the truth. The reason? Some men are just completely uncomfortable telling the truth. It's true. So making a big deal with your booty call about a lie really isn't constructive. In fact, it just kills the vibe of the relationship. There are only a few exceptions when it comes to unacceptable lies:

a. STDs
Pretty self-explanatory. You can't lie about not having an STD. You got one, you have to spill it.

b. Faulty condom
If he fails to mention the condom broke, and you find out it did, you have the right to spaz on him.

c. Non-consensual video
Ladies, if he films your sexual encounter without your consent and you find out and he still denies it; by all means make a huge scene. Hell you can even say his small Oscar Meyer gave you an STD.

Article VI: Cluhb Swagger
This rule came out in the BCG for men but it also applies to women. If you see the guy you're sleeping with in the cluhb (purposely spelled that way to reflect black pronounciation), you are forbidden to act like he's your man or a guy that you've been with intimately. In addition, you have no right to hang within 20 feet of him, it might discourage him from drafting any potential prospects for fear of C-Blocking. The only acceptable gestures are a look and a nod from the head, a pound or a text asking if it's on tonight. Anything else is grounds for demotion. Don't walk into the cluhb trying to impress your friends because of who you're sleeping with; you might end up looking like a fool when he acts like he doesn't know you.

Article VII: The Katt Williams rule
Katt Williams is a comedian that has done various shows. One of my favorite ones is the Pimp Chronicles because of his humerous takes on Michael Jackson and real men. But more specifically, Katt said something half seriously and half jokingly: he said that women needed to stop saying that "dudes ain't sh*t, but rather need to figure out why they keep attracting ain't sh*t dudes". The reason women keep attracting these dudes? They lie. It's extremely important to keep it real with men. If you let him believe that he hit it right and that he Mossed when he didn't, expect him to start talking a great game and acting like he knows how to lay the pipe right. So to all the women out there, it is imperative to always give men honest feedback regardless of how harsh it is. Doing so will keep men grounded and looking to do better. Unfortunately, it's human nature, people that think they are great at something, tend to get cocky and overconfident. If you keep them in line, it might limit the damage. If all women do their part, the guys that have no business walking around with a bunch of swagger will stop doing it and be somewhat more humble. It's the best way to obtain peek performance.

Article VIII: The Tia Rule
50 Cent has been at the heart of a rap beef turned personal with Miami rapper and self-proclaimed boss Rick Ross. 50 did the unthinkable when he solicited the mother of Rick Ross' child, a woman by the name of Tia. He has made a music video with her, interviewed her and brought her to his house. In addition, Fiddy went as far as making a song called "Tia told me" which is highlighted by this line: " Call me crazy go ahead call me crazy, me and your baby mama done been intimate maybe..." With that said, we have the Tia rule. Ladies, it's not cool to share intimate details of your encounters with the friends of that person. Seriously, the last thing I want to know is that my homeboy is a two minute man, it kind of makes me see him different especially if he's talking tough talk about his performances. And yes, this rule came about because a woman I know violated the Tia rule and spoke about somebody's shortcomings. In the same breath, you cannot divulge how awesome he is either; because it creates a situation where people will just assume he's not Mossing it if you refuse to disclose the 411.

Article IX: Phone Use
This rule was present in the Men's Code of Conduct but is different in the women's version. Why? Not to generalize, but women tend to have way more options then men. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that women are easy, but rather that it is easier for them to get a hook up because rarely does a man turn down a hit. So let's proceed:

a. Franchise Player
Unlimited texting is permissible with your FP and you may also call him up to a maximum of 3 times on a gven day. Normally he will be somewhat happy as long as the conversation is just small talk.

b. Superstar
The Superstar is quite particular because he tends to have a ton of options (you know from being a bit of a man whore); therefore it might be a little tougher to grab his attention because his phone is like a 1-800 hotline. So in his case, you may send him 10 to 12 texts on any given day; but check the frequency at which he replies. It's one thing if he's at work, but if not at work and he replies to you after a couple of hours, don't bother him; he's busy. Calling him is almost off limits. It's better to wait for his call because if you call him and he picks up, he might brush you off the phone; and you're not allowed to get mad at him.

c. Role Player
Your role player gets 3 texts in the day. His job is to fill a role ladies, if he can't fill it on that day with 3 texts, don't bother calling him. But if he's responsive and willing, you can call him later in the day to set something up. Yes, only one call.

d. Bench Player
Remember ladies, the circumstances in which you met your bench player were shady. You were desperate and he looked good but really he's not attractive and you might be ashamed if seen in public with him. So as a result, your Bench Player is eligible for 2 texts in the day and call back. This means you cannot call your bench player, your bench player must call you back to justify his interest. Trust me, he'll be more then happy to call you back because you're out of his league.

e. Injured Reserve
The IR is your last resort. So he gets a text during the week and is obligated to call you back one hour after receiving it. You are not allowed to call him. Your Injured Reserve must and will call you back as soon as possible.

Article X: The Rock Rule
Dwayne Johnson used to be an extremely popular wrestler (still my favorite) because of his ability to entertain inside the ring as well as outside the ring. For those of you who have no clue, Johnson was also known as the Rock. I have never seen a person work crowds quite like the Rock. He always knew how to get the fans involved and also how to give them their full money's worth. Rocky had two lines that will properly illustrate the Rock Rule:
1. "Young lady, what is your name?" and as the person starts answering, he immediately shouts " IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!"
2. "The Rock says this, how about you know your role and shut your mouth!"

What does this mean for you ladies? Play your position! You need to know how to fall in line; and by that I mean that you cannot ask him what your position is or where you guys stand, you need to know from what is mentioned in here where you stand. Once you know that, you must review the guidelines in order to know what you can and cannot do with him. Because remember, if you're his role player but you can't follow the rules and act accordingly, he can always promote his bench player to your slot and then demote your ass. The only "untouchable" is the Franchise Player.

There you have it, the Booty Call Guidelines: Women's Code of Conduct. The BCG might be revisited in the next few weeks of months in case there were any omissions. Feel free to leave feedback and I will gladly respond.