Athletes and Their Jump Offs-3 Basic Rules

Give it up for our guest writer Vondecarlo Brown. Enjoy.

As the many reports keep surfacing regarding the intimate details of mistresses, groupies, and jump offs disrespecting their position, I ask one question that is on everybody’s mind lately.
What happened to quietly staying in your lane as a jump off?  The wives seem to have their “turn the other cheek” code in tack, so why are the side chicks getting out of hand? 
Well, I will tell you the reason.  It is the fault of the men.  Either these athletes are becoming more stupid each generation, or they are becoming lazy.  Either way, it is the fault of the man that does not train his hoe properly.
So, in favor of my delicious NBA’ers, NFL’ers, Baseball’ers, (and now even Golfers), let me lend you some advice on keeping your hoe in check:
3 basic rules:

1. You must first choose the right chick.  Stop it with the strippers and hookers, unless it is a hit it and quit it 1 nightstand.  No stripper or prostitute should ever be able to get so close to you that they have your personal phone number, or know anything personal about you that isn’t already public knowledge.  Getting in touch with the hoe is what you pay your best friend for stupid.  Always make her talk to him on his phone as to when and where you guys will hook up; and make it a 1-time thing.  Why get attached to a hoe?  There are so many more just like her, duh.  Trust me, any true groupie will still fuck you even with your most distant of terms, just for the story’s sake, or a quick $500.  If not, she is easily replaced anyway.

However, if you want someone more consistent and assessable, then you have to think differently when choosing your sidepiece.  It is certainly acceptable that you may want to have 1 or 2 down ass chicks for every state you travel to.  We know you need to relax baby, and cannot always be out on the prowl, so go ahead and have your “I’m in town this week” chick.  Just don’t be stupid about it.  Your best option in this case is to choose a professional, career-minded woman that is already in a relationship, but is ready for a secret fling.Choosing a jump off that has a professional career and is married and/or in a serious committed relationship instantly gives you more control and power. Having a side chick that has just as much as you do to lose (if not more) should ease the possibility of her snitching because not only will it ruin her marriage, but it can ruin her reputation as well. No professional woman of any sort wants to be known as a groupie for an athlete.  That’s just embarrassing.  Strippers, prostitutes, groupies, video hoes, (or whatever title they prefer) already have low standards for themselves.  They are money hungry, fame seeking hustlers, and you, Mr. Pro Athlete are a target.  Exposing them will only bring them glory in their hoe world.  They have nothing to loose and everything to gain.  Exposing a woman with something to loose will be devastating to her; and thus she will protect the secret love affair at all costs. This way, you will “have your cake and eat it to”.

2. Don’t trust any woman too much (even if she is a professional).  Women can become very irrational and emotional when there are feelings involved.  So, don’t fuck with her emotions. Stop lying to bitches.  There is no need to make any woman that is interested in you feel like you will promote her to being your first lady.  If you have a wife, let it be known to your side chick in the gentlest of ways that the jump off lane is where she is, and where she will stay.  Trust me, if she wants to be with you, she will be with you anyway (and yes, she does really want to be with you).  Even if her intentions are to try and secretly steal you away from your wife and divorce her husband, it doesn’t matter.  It only matters what your intentions are; and your intentions should be to hit it as many times as you can in a very short lived affair. (I suggest no longer than 3 months for girls age 18-25, and no longer than 6 months for a woman age 26-34). That way, you cut the relationship before they have a chance to really believe in the possibility of becoming your next wife.  (Grown women 35+ with a good head on her shoulders can have a secret love affair for 20 years without anybody knowing, but that’s a whole new article).  Anyway, be kind, charming, and generous to your side chick during the affair, but never so much that she thinks you actually love her.  If you do fall in love with her, then either you are really stupid, or really ready to leave your wife (Kenyon Martin).  But whom are we kidding?  I’d leave my man for Trina in a heartbeat.

3. Last but certainly not least, leave all cameras out of this.  You do not have to promote your dick size. You are a pro athlete.  Enough said. Your strength alone subsides any rule on dick size.  (Lucky you if you are a tall NBA’er.  Your dick size will be assumed anyway, so why prove it with a picture? In most cases I’ve read, NBA’ers size expectations were exceeded.)  Except of course in the recent case of Dorrell Wright.  Lets just say, he’s no Greg Oden.
As a final side bar fella's, I shouldn’t have to say you better wear a condom with your jump offs; but I do feel I must tell you to BRING THEM YOURSELF!  Never let a hoe use her own supply. Do not forget, you are a target not only for your physical appeal, but for your bank as well.  Child support checks are the new promotion for hoes.

If you are a single pro athlete, you wont be for long, so just save this article for later.  If you are not a pro athlete, most rules still apply (except #3 - Who knows what your dick size is Mr. Pro Whatever – you might have to take your chances and send the picture).  If you are a female - know, accept, and respect your lane. 

Good luck guys and dolls, and follow me on twitter. @Vondecarlo
– Former Jump off, Current Wife  (of who? – Google me)


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