Facebook Code of Conduct

The general masses use Facebook to maintain contacts with old and new friends. It’s a good way to continuously interact with people. However, not everyone is a fan of the site and I can understand why. There is just too much access to what you do in your life and who you do it with. That’s why I keep the things I put on mine to a minimum. More than anything, I only have Facebook so that my circle of friends and acquaintances can easily see when I update the blog.

With that said though, not enough people abide by a code of ethics on the blue site. Although it is a bit touchy of a subject, your cyberspace interactions should somewhat mimic how you conduct yourself in real life. In order to help with this issue, I bring to you the Facebook Code of Conduct.

Article I: Friend Requests
Avoid sending out friend requests to people that you do not know. Generally, two reactions come to mind when that happens:
1. This person might be desperate to add friends.
2. This person saw a pretty face and is hoping to get laid.

Let me be clear though: this line of thinking occurs when someone receives a request from someone that is completely unfamiliar to them. If you have had some interactions with this said person on another site or in real life, then feel free too operate as you normally would.

Article II: Facebook Chat
When individuals go on Facebook, it’s usually because they might be a bit bored and have some time to kill. Consequently, they might be doing other things at the same time like watching a game, movie or reading something on the internet; so you have to expect a person’s attention span to fluctuate. Therefore, when chatting with someone on Facebook, you might want to pipe the f____ down if that person does not reply to you within one minute of you messaging them.

Article III: Wall Posting
It’s perfectly fine to post messages on people’s walls when the information could be fun, intriguing or what not. But you ¬cannot post things of a deep personal nature on there. What is considered as personal? Here’s the list:
-Illnesses (STDs, cancer, terminal illness, etc…)
-Relationship status update
-Booty Calls
-Infidelity (even if you got cheated on, you can’t post that on someone’s wall: you look just as bad for calling the person out; people will assume that you were cheated on because you lacked something)
-Shady events that transpired recently

However, if you decide to post something of that nature on your wall or the wall of one of your friends, then it’s fair game and everybody is allowed to comment on it.

Article IV: Theft
Do not steal great punch lines from other people’s walls and then post them up as yours. Always make sure to give the other person credit for it. If not, that’s grounds for them to block you.

Article V: Relationships
You should never attempt to engage a person that is in a relationship (relationship status: married, engaged to, is in a relationship with) with one of your Facebook friends (unless you know both of them). It sends out a bad message. For instance, I have a friend on Facebook that I met through Twitter and we talk daily. However, I would never think of trying to speak to his wife through FB because he might get the impression that I’m hitting on his wife. You might not think that sending their better a half a message is problematic; but trust me, it can become a huge issue. So just refrain from making such a move.

Article VI: Inbox Messages
If someone sends you an inbox message, you cannot share it with the masses. That’s just not right. You have an obligation to maintain that person’s privacy. It’s a matter of mutual respect. Mind you, there are certain topics that are just cause for having your private business aired out on a public forum:
-Sending racist messages
-Sending several messages requesting a date after already having been rejected
-Sending messages asking for a conversion of religion
-Requests of oral sex from a stranger/acquaintance
-Numerous “break up” messages of this sort: “please take me back”, “why won’t you give me another chance” and “I knew you were screwing him/her”
-Stalker type messages

Article VII:Poking
Imagine this scenario: I’m walking down the street and I see a friend (of the opposite sex) across the street that I haven’t seen in a long time. I run over to catch her attention and I poke her. The normal reaction should be for her to slap me or swear at me. Why is this acceptable on Facebook then? I don’t know. Forget about poking people, it’s just weird.

Article VIII: High School Friends
People on Facebook have this odd fascination of looking up old classmates that they haven’t seen in the past 10-15 years just to have them as one of their friends with whom they occasionally interact with. Here’s the funny thing: you practically never talk with these people. You want to know why? Because in general you people do not share the same interests. If you did, you would have remained in touch and would not have needed the website to reconnect. So don’t bother with the charade. Quit looking up people that you used to be friends with back in high school. Just so you know, it’s part of the reason that I don’t use my real name on the site.

Article IX: Pimp Game
A lot of guys use the big blue and white F site as a means to hook up with other people. That’s perfectly fine as long as you do not screw up. If you are a Facebook pimp/pimstress, make sure the people you plan on dealing with know this. If not, one person might develop some sort of attachment to you and start checking up on all the comments and messages that you post on other people’s pages. The last thing you want is for the dude/chick that you’re dealing with to start asking your friends or acquaintances if they’re sleeping with you. Which brings me to my next point….

Article X: Channel your inner Tiger
Regardless of what your opinions are of infidelity, it happens. It’s part of life and it sucks. Keep in mind though, if the cheated party finds out, things tend to get real messy. Hence, it’s of utmost importance that you limit the damages of your actions. What does this mean in practical terms? Don’t add the person you’re sleeping around with to your list of Facebook friends. Because if all hell breaks loose, expect all your dirty laundry to be posted on somebody’s wall (could be on yours, the one of your better half or the wall of the third party) and then for comments to trickle down afterwards. The last thing you want after getting caught is to have to explain yourself to a group of people that actually have no business knowing what goes on in your life behind closed doors.

Article XI: Pictures
The pictures you put up on the site have to be yours. Although it might be cute to have baby pictures of you as well as adolescent ones, it’s crucial that you have current pictures as well. By current, I mean pictures of you that were taken maximum three months ago. Anything older than that can be misleading and could potentially cause an awkward situation if you meet someone in person off of Facebook.

Special provision: Avoid pictures that could be interpreted as sexual or over the top sexy. Granted, this is fine if you can deal with the backlash that comes along with it, but if not stay away from it. Not everyone can deal with some perverted comments about the way they look. In addition, you might have family members (brothers, sisters, mother, father, cousins, etc…) that also view the pictures. Imagine having to explain why you had a picture of you in nothing but a thong on at the next family cookout.

In conclusion, follow the Facebook Code of Conduct in order to avoid pissing people off. Give it a try and let me know how things work out for you. Feel as though anything is missing in the Code? Feel free to drop me a line Shyne@NBAShouts.com or on Twitter.

Scattered Thoughts

Today is a big day here at the Silverback Gorillas blog. Some of my readers have been turned off from the site because it has focused almost exclusively on sports since September 2009. Indeed, it started out with the NFL and then in February I switched over to the NBA. I usually use the summer to discuss the many social issues that we all struggle with (dating, booty calls, parenting, etc…) on a regular basis. Some were disappointed that I didn’t do much of that during the football and basketball seasons. Well, I send out my apology to those of you that felt neglected and say this: with the NBA having just concluded the 2009-10 season, sports talk is officially on the back burner (I might cover a few sports topics during the summer but not too much). It’s time that we got back to the stuff you like to read about. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my Scattered Thoughts on dating…..

The One Night Stand Guide
I’m saddened by the fact that it never occurred to me before to actually write this, but then again I’m happy that the idea came to mind. One might think that one night stands are easy to pull off, but there is a science to it. Just so we’re clear, a quick definition of the term by one of my favorite writers, Jennifer from The Girl Can’t Help It: “One night. Two people do it. Then they never do it again. They may or may not still speak. But usually do not.”

By the way, the guide isn’t here to tell you how to get to the one night stand part; but rather to tell you how to conduct yourself once things have gotten hot. Good? Let’s get it.

I. The Jadakiss Rule aka Kiss The Game Goodbye
Unless both involved parties kissed at any point in time prior to intercourse, you cannot just assume that it’s permissible to kiss the person during sex. Hell, I would stay away from the person’s lips altogether. Let’s let Joe Budden explain (You Don’t Know My Name Freestyle):
“I don’t care if we got anything in common,
If you don’t feel that way then leave the house then,
I can’t kiss you ma,
I don’t know where your mouth been…”

II. A New Era Cap
This one is self-explanatory; even if she’s willing to do it raw, you must wear a fitted cap (condom).

III. NCAA Tournament
What makes the basketball NCAA tournament so memorable is that you can lose against anybody at any time in what is arguably the best basketball tournament in the world. What this means is that you have to always bring your best to the table or else you get sent packing earlier than expected.

Well one night stands are the same; if you do not perform like an all-tournament player, you might get shipped out. You might think I’m exaggerating but it’s true. If one of the people involved does not feel like you will eventually get them to Championship Game (climax), they might just cut it short (come up with some lame excuse about how they have things to do), and then dial up some booty call to finish up your job. Therefore, you have an obligation to bring your best to a one nighter.

By the way, you don’t want to have a bad performance go on your resume in these circumstances. It might seem like it’s just a blip on the radar but it rarely is for two reasons:
1. If you can’t get psyched up like Kevin Garnett for a one night stand, you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex.
2. A bad performance can come back to haunt you. Imagine that you end up meeting a new person two weeks later after a bad sexual encounter and it so happens that this said person is friends with the person with whom you shared that uneventful night; you don’t think that information gets relayed? Exactly.

IV. No Kellz Angels
Unless it was discussed prior to you guys actually having sex, keep the extra freaky stuff for someone else. You can’t just decide to pee on the person or blatantly tell them to toss your salad. Not a good look.

V. I Came, I Saw, I Conquered, I Bounced
A one night stand is like a business transaction: both parties required some services and once completed they shake hands and go on their merry way. For instance, the Philadelphia Eagles traded Donovan McNabb within the same division, to the Washington Redskins. Do you think that the Eagles asked the Skins upon completion of the deal how they were feeling? Hell to the no. It’s s done deal and now you move on to bigger and better things. No overstaying your welcome, you get out of there. That means, no hugging, cuddling, talking after sex about goals and life ambitions, or anything of the sort.

VI. The Barney Stinson Close Out
If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not, let me break it down for you. Barney Stinson (portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris) is the king of one night stands and has mastered the art of a flawless exit.  Hence, this section is titled after him.

In order to accomplish a good exit, it has to be cold and somewhat mysterious. Therefore, you always go to the person’s place because if they come to your place, you can’t expect that they will have read the Guide like you did. So once you have accomplished the deed, you can just put your clothes on and bounce. You do not ask for numbers, name or anything of the sort. Hell, if the other person goes to take a shower, you can bounce while they’re in the bathroom. The less contact you have with the person once you’re done, the better. Here’s is the list of permissible actions or phrases you may give when it’s time to leave:
-Show him/her the peace sign.
-“Aight, I’m out.”
-“This was fun.”
-“Good lookin’ out.”
-“Thanks for a good time.”
-“I need to check the other side of your door.”
-“I don’t’ want to have to perform heart surgery on you in the next few weeks…”
-“Thanks for the Richard….”
-“Remember how Eddie Murphy used to imitate Italians in his stand ups, what did he used to say?” Answer: Oh the answer is Get the fuck outta hereeeeee. Reply: “Thought you’d never ask.”

Hooking Up With Men That Lie
Ladies constantly complain about men’s inability to keep it real. Far too often, we hear women say that men are just a bunch of liars looking for one thing: sex. I won’t disagree with that notion, but if such is the case, why do women keep getting fooled?

If you know the guy is all about getting laid and what not, why do you keep talking to the guy? All he’s going to do is eventually reel you in (yes, no matter how strong minded you are, if you allow him to constantly be around you, he will charm your pants off) and get what he wants. Once he gets it, he might call or text you for the next two weeks or so, but afterwards it’s a wrap. The lies start to pile up and by the time you’ve figured it out, he’s already in bed with one of your friends (whether you find out or not). So ladies, if you know the dude is “bad”, get rid of him from the get go, don’t allow him to be around you if he’s not the type of hook up you’re looking for. If you know what you’re doing, then go ahead and get your groove on, but just know that you’re playing a dangerous game.

Seeking Attention
We all want it, need it and crave it. Depending on what you do in your life, you find different ways to fill that need. For instance, my brother Qwest (check him out) is a charming dude; consequently he often gets ladies trying get his attention at all costs. Some things he might notice and others he might not. Women find interesting but not always effective ways to try and get your attention. Check out a quick list:
-She might text you early and often.
-She might call you every day, even if you don’t pick up.
-Casually mention how she has nothing to do this weekend.
-Tries to hold a conversation with you about a topic she knows absolutely nothing about, just because she knows it’s a topic you like.
-Wears that sexy hot red dress she just bought two days after you mentioned that red is your favorite color.
-Changes her nail polish color when you mention that you’re not a fan of the color she’s wearing (in my case, I hate red nail polish).
-She mentions a dream she had about you.

For the most part, us men can appreciate and notice some of these things. But here’s a list of ridiculous things women can do to try and catch our attention but that typically backfires:
-She looks at you awkwardly.
-She keeps asking about your ex-girlfriend.
-She tries to gauge your interest by asking you if you have any friends you could hook her up with (yes ladies, we’re on to you on this one).
-She keeps mentioning the fact that you seem to always be busy (we’re too busy for you).
-She changes her hair color after you mentioned you had a thing for blondes.
-She shows you pictures of her friends to see if you ask about hooking up with them.
-She tries to steal you away from the girl you were dancing with at the club.

That’s just a fairly short list, but ladies please always make sure you come proper; otherwise you might jeopardize any shot you originally had with a dude you liked. If we think you’re crazy, we check out real fast.

The Ugly Test
 I tweeted about this a while back, but I never actually put it in print; so here goes. Have you ever wanted to know if you were ugly? Let’s be real, we all think that we’re decent or good looking. No one comes out there stating that claiming they are unattractive and that they have low standards. Mind you, more often then not, we might be wrong about ourselves. Consequently, I have devised The Ugly Test. It’s simple. Think back to the ugliest person you have ever hooked up with; if your friends didn’t call you out for hooking up with someone that unattractive, it’s because both of are in the same boat.

Play Your Position
Every so often, a dude might try to hook up with a woman that’s way below his standards because he is in a slump (translation: hasn’t had some action in a long time). But then, all of a sudden he might get a shocker because she rejects him harshly. When that happens, the dude usually says something along the lines of: “Who you kidding man? You ain’t even that hot!”

When this happens, the woman usually thinks that the dude is just plain crazy because he was in her ear talking about how hot she was and that he was interested, but then upon getting rejected the dude changed up his script. So the women wonder about the dude’s level of sanity. Who is truly at fault here?

Women obviously have the right to refuse a man’s advances based on their own preferences. But the problem started off way before that. You might not like what I have to say but it’s the truth: some extremely handsome guys (picture Johnny Depp) have inflated certain women’s self-esteem because they hooked up with them when they were in a slump. The result? These ladies raised their expectations. Indeed, if a handsome gentleman is in a slump and he drops all the lines (you know how us men tell you that you’re pretty, hot and best we’ve ever had? Don’t always trust us) and eventually hooks up with a woman that is beneath his standards; she automatically raises her expectations.

So if say Jamie Foxx were in a slump and decided to attempt to hook up with her after Depp already had, she might reject him. Jamie’s reaction: “You ain’t even that hot!” What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? People need to learn to play their position. Guys, quit lying to the subpar ladies and telling them that they’re better than the rest; you guys are the ones that’s messing up the game up for everybody else.

The Premature Ejaculator
To all the men out there that are posturing and acting like they hit it right every time out, quit lying to people. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes you psych yourself up and practically come out with a Hollywood Hogan type confidence because you know you’re going to put in work and end up on her Hall of Fame list even though it’s only your first sexual interaction with this person.

However, you get in and just like a young Mike Tyson boxing match, it’s over in less than three minutes. Like I said previously, those things happen sometimes. The one mistake that us dudes all make (for the record, I got this information from speaking with various women; just thought I’d put that out there) is say something along these lines: “Oh damn, I don’t know what happened! You have to believe me, this NEVER happens to me.”

Although we could be telling the truth, the ladies have heard this line far too often. Switch the game up guys, here’s how I would approach it: “Hey listen man, I screwed up. I got myself overexcited because you’re real hot (please make sure she’s hot). Give me about 20 minutes and I’ll do it right”. Own up to your screw up. But if it happens again the second time, you’re on your own.

Quick random note that’s not so random: if the dude ejaculated within five minutes, it’s because he wanted to. He felt that tingle and didn’t care if you got yours. We usually feel it coming a good two minutes ahead of time. Just thought some women might want to know….

This part I once published in the past but reworked a bit this time around.

We all have a story about who or what changed your perception of yourself and possibly life. More often then not, it involves either a woman or a man. In my case, it dates back to when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Back then, I thought I was a fairly handsome young dude that had a lot to offer (I know, I was only about 10 years old like I said, don't blame me) I had the biggest crush on this girl named Marilyn. I thought she was real cute, sweet, nice, caring and that we shared some interests.

Marilyn on the other hand had her eyes set on some older dude (by older, I mean he was about 13-14 years old). Hard as I tried to get her attention, I kept failing. Mind you, my attempts were never obvious; so it's quite possible she never really noticed. My attempts were like a Joe Budden album; you see it, hear it but it doesn't always register for you. Some things you are just not meant to comprehend or acknowledge because not everyone is on the same wavelength.

But then, I went to my friend's birthday party (she was his cousin and they lived together) and was hanging out with her, some of my friends and some of her friends. I went real quick to the restroom and then came back but no one noticed I had made my way back to that part of the house. They had started talking about me and the ridiculous crush I had on Marilyn. They said that my ugly ass had a lot of nerve for thinking that her fly ass might have anything to do with me. Needless to say I was shocked and hurt. I stayed for about another 30 minutes and then gave my mom a call to come pick me up. It was fairly early in the party, so my mother was somewhat surprised but she obliged. She never asked what happened and we never talked about it.

My perception of self drastically changed afterwards. Sometimes we need a rude awakening; for some it comes early, and for others it might come late in life. Although I was scarred for a long time by that sequence of events, it helped me with my humility. As my man Money says: "You need to know when to check yourself, cuz sometimes the issue is not everybody else, it's you". Hence, whenever a situation arises and I learn something about myself from it, I call it a Marilyn Moment. Do any of you have Marilyn Moments that you would like to share?

ShynePhone Rotation
J. Cole – Higher
Eminem ft Pink – Won’t Back Down
Drake – Karaoke
Royce Da 5’9 – Vagina
Nas & Damian Marley – Nah Mean
Cory Gunz – Plenty Money Freestyle
Drake ft The Dream – Shut It Down
The Game ft Lil’Wayne – Everything Red
50 Cent – You Should Be Dead
Eminem – 25 To Life
Drake – 9AM in Dallas Freestyle
Mariah Carey – Imperfect
Usher – Love’Em All
Trey Songz – Take You Home
Chris Brown – Perfume
Pleasure P. – Nocturnal
Trey Songz – For The Sake of Our Love
Usher – She Seen Me
Chris Brown - Glow In The Dark

The Art Of War: Kobe Bryant

Let’s put this out there right now: a lot of people despise Kobe Bryant. Some people hate that he shoots too much, some people hate that he shoots just enough and some people hate the fact that he does not shoot often enough for their liking. These people just cannot be pleased no matter what he does. Hell, a lot of people are not fans of his responses during interviews (although I do love when they take the time to sit down with Kobe on off days to talk to him; you always learn something new about him and his game) conducted during games. But all of those things overshadow one thing: Kobe Bryant has mastered the art of war and that might result in him winning his fifth championship in the next two weeks.

There are several people in the world that excel in their respective fields and that are the best at what they do. And yet, I would gladly talk trash with anybody and everybody in the world that’s at the top of their game; regardless of their level of expertise except for two people: Kobe Bryant and Marshall Mathers. You know why? Because these guys would embarrass me. Indeed, Eminem and Kobe are more alike than we care to admit.

Eminem’s career has been filled with controversy surrounding the shots he has taken at his mother in his songs, the murder of his wife Kim Mathers on wax (Em made a song in which he described killing her), the tension between him and several other rappers (let me know when you find Benzino’s corpse somewhere please) and his drug addiction.

In Kobe Bryant’s case, he has been much maligned throughout his NBA career because of his inability to apparently play nice with Shaquille O’Neal, his inability to win enough championships, the sexual assault case, the break up of the Shaq & Kobe dynasty and the trade demand. Indeed, Kobe Bryant and Eminem have been at the top of the game but have faced issues that have made them quite controversial and that have at time overshadowed their professional successes.

And despite all those facts, you do not want to mess with either. It’s a bit more evident with Eminem because of his verbal taunts and lyrical assassinations, but do not sell Kobe short. How many people have crossed Kobe Bryant and lived to tell about it? Let’s briefly check:

-Ruben Patterson: The self proclaimed Kobe Stopper. Well turns out the only thing Patterson stopped was baby sitters (it’s a low blow I know; for those of you that are unaware, Patterson was traded from Seattle because he tried to have sex with one of his baby sitters that was a minor and thus was registered as a sex offender who was no longer allowed to enter the state of Washington). After getting torched a few times in the playoffs by Kobe, Patterson slowly faded into the abyss and we’re still wondering how this guy could have possibly ever thought he was a Kobe stopper.

-Shaquille O’Neal: Even though they played together and were successful, the Diesel always resented Kobe for whatever reason. Granted by their final season together, Shaq had a great reason (when Kobe snitched on Shaq to police officers) to hate the Boy Wonder. Once Shaq left Los Angeles, he kept trying to engage Kobe in a war of words as he took shots at him after winning a title in Miami and then once again after Bryant lost in the 2008 Finals. As some of you may recall, the theme a the time was “Kobe tell me how my ass tastes”, which was quite catchy and funny at the time, but where’s the Diesel now? Since winning his fourth ring, he’s been swept, lost in the first round of the playoffs (in five games), missed the playoffs and just recently got eliminated in the second round of the playoffs by the same team that beat Kobe three years ago when Shaq was singing “Kobe tell me how my ass tastes”. Funny how things come full circle right?

As you can see, Kobe has extracted his revenge on a few players during his career (two to name a few). Granted, seeking vengeance on your enemies does not win you titles; but perfecting the art of war does. So what is this art of war that I keep referring to? Let’s have a look at it.

This is business, and it ain’t personal by Jay-Z & R. Kelly
I’m not knocking the guys that smile and try to keep things loose for their teams, but let the record show that LeBron James and Dwight Howard are both sitting at home watching the Finals. Kobe Bryant has been labeled as clueless, lifeless and as a jerk because of his refusal to smile or even let up during games. Bryant always brings a business attitude to the court and refuses to let his teammates get too casual. Kobe has that sense of urgency about him 24/7. Whether it’s game 27 of the regular season or game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, you really can’t tell with the Lakers star. He sets incredibly high standards for himself and makes sure to do the same for his teammates. Is there another NBA star that is as maniacal as Kobe is in terms of his attitude and expectations? Probably not.

I’m So Ambitious: Every deal I ever made set precedent by Jay-Z
I’m not sure that there is a better tone setter in the NBA than Kobe Bryant. No player leads by example as much as Kobe does. From the opening tip, he always sets the tone be it by his defense, his ability to facilitate the offense or by scoring. The way Kobe plays early is usually indicative of the type of game that he will have. A few years ago, Kobe would set the tone for himself, but he has since figured out how to get his teammates follow suit. When Kobe comes to play, so do his teammates. Other than LeBron James, no other player has as many responsibilities for his team. However, one of the differences between both players is that you never get the impression that Kobe is coasting during a game. For instance, if he’s playing a high volume scorer, he will put a lot of energy in preventing this said player from catching the ball where he wants it (example: when he plays Dwyane Wade), and he will force this same said player to shoot the ball from his least favorite spots on the court when he finally does get the ball (example: Michael Redd). If the former Lower Merion star is matched up with an average player, he will play the role of a roamer and disrupt his opponents offense by hanging in the lanes (like he did against the Thunder until he started guarding Westbrook). Kobe does everything at 100 miles an hour. He never settles, never takes a break or shies away from his responsibilities as the leader of the Lakers. In related news, the Lakers are playing in the 2010 NBA Finals.

The Boss by Rick Ross ft T-Pain
Check out the Successful Remix by Trey Songz ft Kobe Bryant.
Trey: I want the money…
Kobe: Yup, got that.
Trey: Money and the cars…
Kobe: And the chopper.
Trey: Cars and the clothes…
Kobe: Armani.
Trey: And the hoes…
Kobe: Shhh, keep it on the hush brother.
Trey: I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful…
Kobe: Four rings, working on five brother!

Let me be clear about this: Kobe Bryant will never be able to replicate Magic Johnson. Magic embodied Los Angeles like few others did. And yet, in a town that is just full of stars and celebrities, no one shines brighter than #24. Can you recall the last time a Lakers opponent (individual player) upstaged Kobe Bryant? The only time I can think of, is when Gilbert Arenas dropped 60 at the Staples Center back in 2006. Nothing else comes to mind. The reason nothing else comes to mind is simple: Kobe Bryant makes it his mission to be the best player on the court every night; and more often than not he is. Look at his 2010 playoff stats:


The Black Mamba is literally doing it all for the Lakers right now. Scoring, rebounding, passing, shooting, sniping (made this one up, it derives from sniper; it’s basically the ability to make long range shots with accuracy), leading and avoiding Chris Rock’s funny jokes (in Game 1, Kobe completely ignored Chris Rock as he kept trying to talk to Kobe. Now if Rock had been seated next to a Caucasian female that worked at a spa, you think Kobe responds? I say yes). We know Kobe’s played great this postseason, but what about the rest of his playoff career? His playoff averages since entering the NBA:

25.0 PPG, 5.1 RPG, 4.9 APG, 45.0 FG%

If we look throughout NBA history, only a handful of players have been able to average 25-5-4. To make sure we didn’t have anyone on the list that didn’t belong, I put in a requirement of at least 40 playoff games played. Check out the list (players who had the averages but have not appeared in 40 games are Connie Hawkins, Tracy McGrady and Elton Brand):

Michael Jordan
LeBron James
Jerry West
Rick Barry
Elgin Baylor
Dwyane Wade
Kobe Bryant

Kobe might appear last on this list (listed by scoring average) but he is second in one category: rings. Michael Jordan is the only player in this list who was won more championships than the Black Mamba. And it’s fitting really that MJ and KB get mentioned in this same conversation, because they both shared that same hunger for star power. Indeed, just like Jordan before him, Bryant always makes sure that you remember that one night when you got to see him play.

By the way, while we’re here, I want to take the time to put an end to all this Jordan talk whenever a young up and coming shooting guard starts playing like he belongs. Before we start comparing guys to MJ, we should be able to gradually compare them to other players and have them work their way up to MJ. So here’s who we should use for our scale:

The Shooting Guard Scale
10. Vince Carter: talented but does not care enough to be great.
9.  Tracy McGrady: Amazing array of skills, but not mentally or physically tough enough.
8. Reggie Miller: Once was that standard by which we measured clutch shooting by a guard.
7. Clyde Drexler: Terrific franchise player but even better as team’s second best player.
6. Ray Allen: Same thing as Drexler except Jesus was better in the clutch.
5. Allen Iverson: Guy that kept defying the odds.
4. Dwyane Wade: Vince Carter with a pulse.
3. Jerry West: The logo.
2. Kobe Bryant: The guy that reminds us most of…..
1. Michael Jordan: The holly grail.

So from now on, if you feel like comparing a shooting guard to MJ, make sure you work the whole list before you get to him.

The Takeover by Jay-Z
Stop me if you have not heard this before, but NBA legacies go hand in hand with contributions to a winning team. Well, in the last three years, the Lakers are 43-18 in the playoffs and have an astounding 10-1 win/loss record in playoff series (with the one series loss being in the 2008 Finals versus Boston). For lack of a better term, all the Lakers do is win. And that starts with Kobe Bryant’s refusal to accept losing. His past playoff failures have hardened him and made him appreciate everything that goes into winning. The Lakers superstar is like a crack dealer turned rapper; he’s grown accustomed to the lifestyle, the money, the fame, the houses and the legitimacy of it all; he cannot and will not go back to hustling on the streets.

That’s why the Black Mamba’s teams have been able to win at such a high rate for the past three seasons; their star does not want to go back to how things used to be. That’s why he wants to guard the best player on the other team and shut him down, that’s why he dives for loose balls, that’s why he yells at his teammates when they screw up, that’s why he takes every big shot for his team and that’s why he’s in the gym first before practice and last afterwards; because the man is obsessed with greatness. Ultimately, Kobe is probably the only player in the league that is this driven and this dedicated. He cannot and will not drink Pepsi, Coke, 7up, Sprite, Dos Equis, Porto wine or Crystal in June. Do you know why? Because none of them offer the same taste or satisfaction as championship champagne after winning the Larry O’Brien trophy. Kobe stays thirsty every year my friends….and that is Kobe Bryant’s Art Of War.

What if Eminem and Jay-Z battled?

Imagine if Jay-Z and Eminem decided to go at it just for the sake of HipHop…..


“Ya, your boy is in the building!

How they gonna compare your skills to mine,

I did more in the last decade then you’ll ever do in your lifetime,

Your flow is cool and your lyrics are aight,

But you got a little substance but the rest is all hype,

You say how you used to have a drug problem,

Man you shoulda told me, I woulda been your supplier Em,

Attackin me, you must be crazy,

Cuz no one can take down HOV,

Most #1 albums in recent history,

I am on the same level as #23,

Call me S Dot

Cuz I hits the spot,

Then change up the plot

Now goes ask Hailey if I’m hot”


“No valium needed now

Cuz that wack verse put me to sleep,

You better be careful Sean,

And recognize when you’re in too deep,

Maybe right now should be the time for you to run and hide,

Cuz only street cred you got came from your track Bonnie and Clyde,

Bet you still waiting for that Kingdom to Come,

Not gonna happen as long as I'm #1,

C'mon Jay, we all know how you been afraid,

Cuz your lyrics is second grade,

Especially when we went at it on Renegade,

Gotta learn to to check yourself and take a hint,

If I were trying to build a Dynasty,

I wouldn’t need three sets of Blueprints,

Only reason you second guess yourself,

Is because you have a Reasonable Doubt,

Bet you didn’t realize I’d use your album names to call you out;

Jigga Man, Jay-Z, S. Carter, HOV and Hova,

Coming up with names to distract people from the fact your career is over,

MJ went into the Hall as the best ever,

When you retire,

You’ll go in the Rap’s Hall as the “best never”;

Before I turn you into a Washington Wizard,

Help me understand something,

Are you woman, girl or a toy,

Cuz why the f*ck else is Beyonce wondering if she were a boy?

Eminem: Hailey baby, do you like Jay-Z?

Hailey: Who’s Jay-Z daddy? I like Sponge Bob Squarepants.